The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 13
Friday February 19&26, 2010: Double Edition
Song of the week: I believe by Nikki Yanofsky
Pre-game:
OK folks, yes I did not post last week. Blame it on the Olympics. I did go to hockey last week. Not much happened. The Terrier gave it a miss, everyone wants to play another team and I got the wind knocked out of me by Lacrosse’s ass, but other than that it was business as usual.
I don’t know about the rest of you but I have Olympic sleep deprivation. The action is so exciting I have missed my bed time for the past 2 weeks. I just finished watching Canada win 2 gold medals within 5 minutes of one another. Amazing. Shame on the big wigs running the “Own the Podium” program who, last week, publically said how the results/athletes were not meeting their expectations. Obviously they have never played competitive sports. No athlete would take their marbles and go home half way through a game. Canada is rockn’ the gold step of the podium.
In my quest to play hockey I have, for the most part, only watched men’s teams for pointers. This week I avidly watched the ladies hockey team trying to pick up ideas and skills. In the gold medal game on Thursday I finally figured out what I was doing wrong.
Every game day since the beginning of my season I have laid around the house. Thought about all the things I could be doing on Friday at noon, drank copious amounts of coffee, read the paper, maybe attempted some housework (lie), searched for my hockey underwear, lamented I hadn’t got hockey tape again and an hour out from the game started on my pre-game write-up for the chronicles.
I watched the woman’s game from start to finish and it wasn’t until the 3rd period when I realized that, with the exception of Hayley Wickenheiser, all the women were done up to the nines; like they were about to attend a prom. Some of them were wearing pearls!
This was my “ah ha” hockey moment. I was attempting to play hockey looking like a slob. Shame on me. I decided to make an effort today. It will be hard since our practice has been moved to 9:15am instead of noon due to our provincial March break. Now I will miss 3 hours of pregame, aka drinking coffee, rituals.
Post-game:
Well, I woke up early in order to get the proper amount of caffeine in the system, showered, put on deodorant, brushed my teeth, broke out the diamond earrings and put on mascara and lipstick. My hockey underwear was still in a ball in the corner of the mudroom from last week, but I felt that was a minor detail.
This week our practice was just before a major midget hockey tournament. My son is playing in this tournament. I have to drop him off, go to my practice and then watch his game. The kick in the pants is that players are always dropped off early. TODAY WE ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE!!!!
The good news is I am wearing a jersey with my maiden name on the back so I won’t embarrass my son. The bad news is my son’s first name is my maiden name. Oops!
In the locker room I tucked my socks into my knee pads because I forgot to replenish my tape again, I put on our ridiculously hideous team clothing and I head out the door. During warm up coach has to fix my neck protector, I fear my mascara is running down my face because my left eyes has decided it wants to tear and my nose, well since this venture has begun, my nose starts to run from the moment I put my foot on the ice until I get in my car when it’s all over. I am probably a mess but I do have diamond earrings on!
As you know I wear my maiden name on my jersey because I am pathetic and do not want to besmirch the family name. I have told coach I cannot use my name until I can skate backwards. Well ladies and gentlemen. I can now skate backwards, slowly. Coach said I can have my name back! I am proud of myself, I have come a long way since October but, I will stick with the maiden name for now because, although I can skate forward and backward, I can’t transition between the two. If I am skating forward I have to come to a complete stop, turn, and begin to skate backwards. I have a long way to go but I think before I am in the grave I will figure it out.
Drills went well, there were spectators but none seemed to be laughing in hysterics. My son’s team paraded past us and in respect for him no one made eye contact.
Because we all have the same outfit on and our names (except mine) are on the jersey our scrimmage is shirts and skins. Today I am on skins, we actually look like a bunch of transformers, and we manage a 2-0 win.
Today coach says we are played at a Pee Wee AA level. Andrew (my husband) says coach has taken too many hits to the head.
Thoughts:
1. The Terrier is still AWOL
2. No practice next week.
3. Two weeks to go!!!!!!!!!!
Cheers
The Pylon
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Chapter 12
The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 12
Friday February 12, 2010
Song of the week: The Bitch is Back by Elton John
Pre-game:
I have just come back from a walk with The Terrier. Saying I went for a walk with The Terrier is like saying I went for a bike ride with Lance Armstrong. It’s more like a forced march. I could probably run while she’s walking. I can’t keep up with her so I try to stay behind her. This way I can go my own speed and pretend to run up the hills like she does.
She’s a quick one and has figured out my m.o. So today she insisted on walking behind me. At my heels I should add. Just like a Terrier. Constant crunch, crunch, crunch, just missing my foot. Making me pick up my pace. It goes without saying I was in a lather by the time the walk ended. I quickly got in my car to avoid a possibly double up activity before hockey started.
I got a chill from my walk and decided to have a cup of tea. Half way through my tea thoughts come to mind...Maybe I won’t go to hockey today. Maybe I’ll just sit here, drink my tea and curl up with my book. No one will miss me if I don’t show up.
Before I take off I checked my email just to see if anything needs my immediate attention.
To my surprise I got an email from Sarge. I looks like coach has the flu and she is looking for someone to coach for the day. I make a quick executive decision and decide if the coach is sick it’s as good as a cancelled practise. This must be how kids feel when they wake and find out they have a snow day.
Oh look, it’s too late to call The Terrier to let her know I’m not coming. Tee Hee Hee. Hope she have fun at practice. Tee Hee. Instead of reading I think I’ll go have a nap. I’ll need to be rested when comes after me. Tee Hee.
Post-game:
The Terrier called. She’s kinda still taking to me I think. The call went better than anticipated. I took the silence on the other end as implied dismay, an inferred grievance. Maybe she’ll think twice about how fast we walk next time.
Thoughts:
1. I have a feeling The Terrier is not going to let me out of her sight next Friday.
2. 5 weeks to go.
Cheers
The Pylon
Chapter 12
Friday February 12, 2010
Song of the week: The Bitch is Back by Elton John
Pre-game:
I have just come back from a walk with The Terrier. Saying I went for a walk with The Terrier is like saying I went for a bike ride with Lance Armstrong. It’s more like a forced march. I could probably run while she’s walking. I can’t keep up with her so I try to stay behind her. This way I can go my own speed and pretend to run up the hills like she does.
She’s a quick one and has figured out my m.o. So today she insisted on walking behind me. At my heels I should add. Just like a Terrier. Constant crunch, crunch, crunch, just missing my foot. Making me pick up my pace. It goes without saying I was in a lather by the time the walk ended. I quickly got in my car to avoid a possibly double up activity before hockey started.
I got a chill from my walk and decided to have a cup of tea. Half way through my tea thoughts come to mind...Maybe I won’t go to hockey today. Maybe I’ll just sit here, drink my tea and curl up with my book. No one will miss me if I don’t show up.
Before I take off I checked my email just to see if anything needs my immediate attention.
To my surprise I got an email from Sarge. I looks like coach has the flu and she is looking for someone to coach for the day. I make a quick executive decision and decide if the coach is sick it’s as good as a cancelled practise. This must be how kids feel when they wake and find out they have a snow day.
Oh look, it’s too late to call The Terrier to let her know I’m not coming. Tee Hee Hee. Hope she have fun at practice. Tee Hee. Instead of reading I think I’ll go have a nap. I’ll need to be rested when comes after me. Tee Hee.
Post-game:
The Terrier called. She’s kinda still taking to me I think. The call went better than anticipated. I took the silence on the other end as implied dismay, an inferred grievance. Maybe she’ll think twice about how fast we walk next time.
Thoughts:
1. I have a feeling The Terrier is not going to let me out of her sight next Friday.
2. 5 weeks to go.
Cheers
The Pylon
Friday, February 5, 2010
Chapter 11
The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 11
Friday February 5, 2010
Song of the week: Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
Pre-game:
Well. Well. Well. Here we are back at Friday. It has been so cold this week I can’t imagine how cold my gear is going to be when I put it on, or how cold the rink is going to be. I have to admit something to you. I’m a sugar plum. There I’ve said it and I am not equipped for these conditions. I should be under some palm fronds being waited on by Enrique Suavé. How did I ever land here?
I have been secretly studying hockey players on TV as well as when I go to games. What do they have that I don’t have? What do they do that I need to do? Why are they having fun? What am I missing???? I told myself today I was going to be brave. I was going to tackle this sport like I have other sports; lots of aggression and no fear. I realize I can’t do the drills unless I have speed. If I fall. I fall. Suck it up princess. Today is the day.
Today is the day we get our jerseys. The anticipation is killing me.
Post-game:
The jerseys are worse than anticipated. The socks are light pink and the jerseys are Pepto pink. I suggested our theme song when coming onto the ice during scrimmages should be “Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!” I also suggested we practice the Pepto dance during ice time. I was disappointed to have no takers. I commented on the fact the jerseys were wide and short and were they possibly a Friday afternoon special bought from the back of a truck? Sarge thought they were nice and that I should have a bit more team spirit. Blah, Blah.
I was my usual 10 minutes late for drills. It doesn’t seem to bother coach, he just starts without me. I did my best to do better. I went faster, I bent lower, I flex my ankles more, my glides were longer, my stick was in the palm of my hand, I talk myself around every corner “okay loser skate, skate, speed, speed, head up, stop looking at the ice, when you turn lead with the chin, lean into the turn, ah man, where’s my G.D. puck?”
The arrival of the jerseys means an end to the red team’s dominion. It also means more concentration during the scrimmage because we are all dressed alike. I chose the team with the least amount of players. With this new attitude I was sporting I figured I would get a bit more ice time. I chance to hone my skills.
We “change on the fly” so I usually get a chance to do all the positions by the end of the game. But I always start in the defence position. Today my wing man was “Lacrosse” I call her that because she plays lacrosse and she is our best player. I was hoping she would be able to get everything I missed.
Not 30 second into the game the puck lands deep into our end and on my side. Lacrosse yells for me to get it. Reluctantly, I go after it and just before I get to it someone jams me into the boards!! As I was sliding, slow motion, down the side of the boards with one knee bent and the other outstretched, stick between my legs. I waited. Waited but it never came. No “sorry”. No “oops”. No “are you alright?” She did it deliberately! As she was skating off with my puck I took note... #11. Little missy gets a new jersey and now she thinks she’s pro. OKAY. IT’S ON. THE GLOVES ARE COMIN’ OFF. Who is # 11? Our names aren’t on the jerseys yet so I’ll have to remember the number and wait for my opportunity.
During my next rotation I played forward. I had a breakaway that came to nothing, but at the end of my shift I dug one out of their corner and passed it to the centre of the crease and my team mate put it in. Yes, I got an assist!!!! Coach said I made an awesome pass!
My opportunity to get back at #11 came late in the scrimmage. The puck was sliding down the ice and she was going for it. I threw fear out the window. I skated with determination, arms and legs and stick going in all directions. She got the puck first but she didn’t have it for long after I side swiped her. We both kinda skidded across the ice coming to a stop after doing a 180. As I was picking myself up I realized the person I landed on was # 44.
Sorry Sarge.
Thoughts:
1. Today was the first day I manage to break a sweat. The times are a changing’
2. The Little Scottish Terrier did not make an appearance today.
Chapter 11
Friday February 5, 2010
Song of the week: Eye of the Tiger by Survivor
Pre-game:
Well. Well. Well. Here we are back at Friday. It has been so cold this week I can’t imagine how cold my gear is going to be when I put it on, or how cold the rink is going to be. I have to admit something to you. I’m a sugar plum. There I’ve said it and I am not equipped for these conditions. I should be under some palm fronds being waited on by Enrique Suavé. How did I ever land here?
I have been secretly studying hockey players on TV as well as when I go to games. What do they have that I don’t have? What do they do that I need to do? Why are they having fun? What am I missing???? I told myself today I was going to be brave. I was going to tackle this sport like I have other sports; lots of aggression and no fear. I realize I can’t do the drills unless I have speed. If I fall. I fall. Suck it up princess. Today is the day.
Today is the day we get our jerseys. The anticipation is killing me.
Post-game:
The jerseys are worse than anticipated. The socks are light pink and the jerseys are Pepto pink. I suggested our theme song when coming onto the ice during scrimmages should be “Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!” I also suggested we practice the Pepto dance during ice time. I was disappointed to have no takers. I commented on the fact the jerseys were wide and short and were they possibly a Friday afternoon special bought from the back of a truck? Sarge thought they were nice and that I should have a bit more team spirit. Blah, Blah.
I was my usual 10 minutes late for drills. It doesn’t seem to bother coach, he just starts without me. I did my best to do better. I went faster, I bent lower, I flex my ankles more, my glides were longer, my stick was in the palm of my hand, I talk myself around every corner “okay loser skate, skate, speed, speed, head up, stop looking at the ice, when you turn lead with the chin, lean into the turn, ah man, where’s my G.D. puck?”
The arrival of the jerseys means an end to the red team’s dominion. It also means more concentration during the scrimmage because we are all dressed alike. I chose the team with the least amount of players. With this new attitude I was sporting I figured I would get a bit more ice time. I chance to hone my skills.
We “change on the fly” so I usually get a chance to do all the positions by the end of the game. But I always start in the defence position. Today my wing man was “Lacrosse” I call her that because she plays lacrosse and she is our best player. I was hoping she would be able to get everything I missed.
Not 30 second into the game the puck lands deep into our end and on my side. Lacrosse yells for me to get it. Reluctantly, I go after it and just before I get to it someone jams me into the boards!! As I was sliding, slow motion, down the side of the boards with one knee bent and the other outstretched, stick between my legs. I waited. Waited but it never came. No “sorry”. No “oops”. No “are you alright?” She did it deliberately! As she was skating off with my puck I took note... #11. Little missy gets a new jersey and now she thinks she’s pro. OKAY. IT’S ON. THE GLOVES ARE COMIN’ OFF. Who is # 11? Our names aren’t on the jerseys yet so I’ll have to remember the number and wait for my opportunity.
During my next rotation I played forward. I had a breakaway that came to nothing, but at the end of my shift I dug one out of their corner and passed it to the centre of the crease and my team mate put it in. Yes, I got an assist!!!! Coach said I made an awesome pass!
My opportunity to get back at #11 came late in the scrimmage. The puck was sliding down the ice and she was going for it. I threw fear out the window. I skated with determination, arms and legs and stick going in all directions. She got the puck first but she didn’t have it for long after I side swiped her. We both kinda skidded across the ice coming to a stop after doing a 180. As I was picking myself up I realized the person I landed on was # 44.
Sorry Sarge.
Thoughts:
1. Today was the first day I manage to break a sweat. The times are a changing’
2. The Little Scottish Terrier did not make an appearance today.
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