The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Season II
Chapter 4
Friday November 12, 2010
Pre-game: This week has been a horse of a different colour. Exactly one year ago I became a full fledged “Lady of Leisure” I finished a contract and decided to learn how to skate and play hockey and not pound the pavement for another job.
Don’t get me wrong, technically, since I’ve been a tender teenager I’ve been a kept woman, but every once in a while my rocket man (this is his true name. I’ve tried others names this past year, husband, agent etc., but this just fits and rolls off the tongue. So from now on he who is husband will be referred to as Rocket Man) and I pretend that I’m a working woman. So for years I’ve struggled and staggered down the snakes and up the ladders of balancing a travelling Rocket Man, raising children and forays into the workforce.
Long story short, I start work on Monday!!!! A new job for the Pylon.!!!!!
Accepting this job was difficult.
For the past year Rocket Man has brought me coffee in bed every morning he has been in town as well driving the last remaining child to school. The biggest job I’ve has since stopping work is keeping up with my two BFF’s, AKA - The Little Scottish Terrier and The Great Dane. I’ve never mentioned The Great Dane before but she has been in the background. Between the two of them I have been dragged from here to there at their whim. I call it Camp BFF. When Rocket Man comes home and I am half passed out on the sofa with no dinner in sight and asks “what have you done all day?” I say “Camp BFF”. His response is usually “Should we get take out?”
So when I accepted this job I had to sit the Rocket Man, the Last Remaining Child AND The Terrier and The Great Dane down for a heart to heart. “I’m going back to work. I start Monday” I told them all. Below are their unspoken thoughts.
Rocket Man:
Jubilation.
I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I still won’t have dinner on the table when I get home after a 13 hour work day. The laundry will still be climbing up the basement stairs, I won’t have a lovingly made lunch or milk for my morning cereal and I will have to drive the last remaining to school every morning. The good new s is the Pylon will have to get the hell out of bed and I won’t have to deliver her coffee every morning with refills before I leave.
The Last Remaining:
Can I have the car?
The last remaining has just turned 16 and he is pushing for me to get a new car and leave him “The Hornet” A vintage green Toyota Echo. Vintage because they don’t make echo’s anymore. This will never happen but he is persistent.
When I stopped working last year I decided I had the time and energy to start cooking vegetarian as well as vegan. To a 16 year old male the word vegan can be a four letter + one word. Every grocery day for the first few weeks he hid my vegan cook book in protest. When I told him I was going back to work and that I was dusting off my slow cooker all he said was “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” I’m not sure if I should interpret this as he is happy to be vegan or is vegan the lesser of two evils???????
The Great Dane:
I am prepared to give you two weeks to figure out how this is not going to affect me.
The Little Scottish Terrier:
This is not going to affect me because this is what you are going to do and this is when I want you present and I don’t want to hear another word!!! Don’t make me hurt you because I’m not taking you to the emerg.
I start Monday. I’ll let you know how it turns out for all five of us.
Post-game:
The Terrier and I did our 2 hour gym work out prior to hockey. 15 minutes into the 2nd hour she sends me her lopsided grin, which I read to say “Honey this is your last weekend as a Lady o’ Leisure we are not going to hockey, we are going to drink wine. This is your first weekend as a Weekend Warrior” I accepted with a nod.
Here is where I invoke the Code of the road rule. The rest is history and cannot be mentioned. Let’s just say the Terrier and the Great Dane have sent me off to the working world with a hangover!!!!!!
They’re so good to me.
Thoughts:
1. I hope working will make me be grateful for hockey more than I am now.
2. All Hale “The Weekend Warrior”
Cheers
The Pylon
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Season II Chapter 3
The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Season II
Chapter 3
Friday November 5, 2010
Pre-game:
The Terrier and I missed last week’s practice. We took our magical mystery show on the road. We drove to Boston to take in a little Tom Brady and Brett Favre action in Foxboro. Unfortunately, our departure time was exactly when we should have been lacing up our skates. Coincidence? I think not.
I enjoyed the game but I have to say I had a hard time following the live action. I couldn’t actually see the pigskin or follow the plays. I realized I am an armchair football fan. I need professional camera angles, HD and Jaworski and Esiason to tell me what’s going on.
Now it’s game day and I have no excuses that seemed plausible. I will myself into the car and drive in the direction of the rink. I know if I pull a no show the cold paw of the Terrier will be around my neck faster than she can pop a mars bar after a workout.
Post-game:
The first thing Sarge did when I arrived was to hand me some papers. “Here!” she said cheerfully “study this”. She gave me a cheat sheet and notes on player positions. I waited for her to hand them out to all the other players but she didn’t, she just continued to dress. How very passive aggressive of her to let everyone know who she thought needed work all the while smiling pleasantly. Was I being sensitive? Paranoid? Oh the humiliation! I told her, matter of factly, that I knew exactly where I was supposed to be thank you very much. I just couldn’t get there on skates!!!
Coach is taking this volunteer job very seriously. He’s on a mission to whip us into shape and make us look like a real hockey team. What are the chances that dream will ever see the light of day. We now have a warm up routine; I’m usually late so I can’t tell you what the beginning of routine is, I usually arrive when they are doing their final circles. After circles it’s on to a give and go drill that looks more like a give, readjust yourself, watch your pass, apologize if it didn’t make it to the intended player, apologize if the intended player missed a perfectly good pass, have a conversation with the player behind you, then go drill. I am sure by the end of the season we will have the drill mastered.
Coach has us doing a lot of skating drills. You might ask why but I wouldn’t. Today he had us stand in two lines taking up the width of the ice. He stood in front of us and he moved his stick in different directions (forwards, backwards, right, left and hit the ice) and we, being the talented bunch that we are, were to follow in the direction of the stick. There are some obvious challenges with this particular drill. 1: you are required to look up at all times. 2: You are required to stop quickly. 3: You have to skate backwards and 4: When we drop to our stomachs we are expected to shoot back up. There is no shooting back up. There is dropping then getting on all fours, then using your stick as leverage getting one foot on the ice then the other. By this time I am being run over by the line behind me because I missed the move forward signal.
Coach decided not to have a scrimmage, pity. We ended practice with suicides. Although it wasn’t pretty I did manage to pulverize the Terrier!
When we were hitting the dressing room coach reminded us to read over our cheat sheets. Apparently, I was being a little sensitive when Sarge gave me my papers earlier. All players were given a copy last week. Oops! Sorry Sarge.
Thoughts:
1:Since the season began my chin has been breaking out. I thought I was developing a case of adult onset acne. I now realize it is due to my germ filled chin guard. I’m thinking of asking for some Proactiv for a stocking stuffer this Christmas.
Cheers
The Pylon
Season II
Chapter 3
Friday November 5, 2010
Pre-game:
The Terrier and I missed last week’s practice. We took our magical mystery show on the road. We drove to Boston to take in a little Tom Brady and Brett Favre action in Foxboro. Unfortunately, our departure time was exactly when we should have been lacing up our skates. Coincidence? I think not.
I enjoyed the game but I have to say I had a hard time following the live action. I couldn’t actually see the pigskin or follow the plays. I realized I am an armchair football fan. I need professional camera angles, HD and Jaworski and Esiason to tell me what’s going on.
Now it’s game day and I have no excuses that seemed plausible. I will myself into the car and drive in the direction of the rink. I know if I pull a no show the cold paw of the Terrier will be around my neck faster than she can pop a mars bar after a workout.
Post-game:
The first thing Sarge did when I arrived was to hand me some papers. “Here!” she said cheerfully “study this”. She gave me a cheat sheet and notes on player positions. I waited for her to hand them out to all the other players but she didn’t, she just continued to dress. How very passive aggressive of her to let everyone know who she thought needed work all the while smiling pleasantly. Was I being sensitive? Paranoid? Oh the humiliation! I told her, matter of factly, that I knew exactly where I was supposed to be thank you very much. I just couldn’t get there on skates!!!
Coach is taking this volunteer job very seriously. He’s on a mission to whip us into shape and make us look like a real hockey team. What are the chances that dream will ever see the light of day. We now have a warm up routine; I’m usually late so I can’t tell you what the beginning of routine is, I usually arrive when they are doing their final circles. After circles it’s on to a give and go drill that looks more like a give, readjust yourself, watch your pass, apologize if it didn’t make it to the intended player, apologize if the intended player missed a perfectly good pass, have a conversation with the player behind you, then go drill. I am sure by the end of the season we will have the drill mastered.
Coach has us doing a lot of skating drills. You might ask why but I wouldn’t. Today he had us stand in two lines taking up the width of the ice. He stood in front of us and he moved his stick in different directions (forwards, backwards, right, left and hit the ice) and we, being the talented bunch that we are, were to follow in the direction of the stick. There are some obvious challenges with this particular drill. 1: you are required to look up at all times. 2: You are required to stop quickly. 3: You have to skate backwards and 4: When we drop to our stomachs we are expected to shoot back up. There is no shooting back up. There is dropping then getting on all fours, then using your stick as leverage getting one foot on the ice then the other. By this time I am being run over by the line behind me because I missed the move forward signal.
Coach decided not to have a scrimmage, pity. We ended practice with suicides. Although it wasn’t pretty I did manage to pulverize the Terrier!
When we were hitting the dressing room coach reminded us to read over our cheat sheets. Apparently, I was being a little sensitive when Sarge gave me my papers earlier. All players were given a copy last week. Oops! Sorry Sarge.
Thoughts:
1:Since the season began my chin has been breaking out. I thought I was developing a case of adult onset acne. I now realize it is due to my germ filled chin guard. I’m thinking of asking for some Proactiv for a stocking stuffer this Christmas.
Cheers
The Pylon
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