Season II Chapter 3

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Season II
Chapter 3
Friday November 5, 2010

Pre-game:

The Terrier and I missed last week’s practice. We took our magical mystery show on the road. We drove to Boston to take in a little Tom Brady and Brett Favre action in Foxboro. Unfortunately, our departure time was exactly when we should have been lacing up our skates. Coincidence? I think not.

I enjoyed the game but I have to say I had a hard time following the live action. I couldn’t actually see the pigskin or follow the plays. I realized I am an armchair football fan. I need professional camera angles, HD and Jaworski and Esiason to tell me what’s going on.

Now it’s game day and I have no excuses that seemed plausible. I will myself into the car and drive in the direction of the rink. I know if I pull a no show the cold paw of the Terrier will be around my neck faster than she can pop a mars bar after a workout.

Post-game:

The first thing Sarge did when I arrived was to hand me some papers. “Here!” she said cheerfully “study this”. She gave me a cheat sheet and notes on player positions. I waited for her to hand them out to all the other players but she didn’t, she just continued to dress. How very passive aggressive of her to let everyone know who she thought needed work all the while smiling pleasantly. Was I being sensitive? Paranoid? Oh the humiliation! I told her, matter of factly, that I knew exactly where I was supposed to be thank you very much. I just couldn’t get there on skates!!!

Coach is taking this volunteer job very seriously. He’s on a mission to whip us into shape and make us look like a real hockey team. What are the chances that dream will ever see the light of day. We now have a warm up routine; I’m usually late so I can’t tell you what the beginning of routine is, I usually arrive when they are doing their final circles. After circles it’s on to a give and go drill that looks more like a give, readjust yourself, watch your pass, apologize if it didn’t make it to the intended player, apologize if the intended player missed a perfectly good pass, have a conversation with the player behind you, then go drill. I am sure by the end of the season we will have the drill mastered.

Coach has us doing a lot of skating drills. You might ask why but I wouldn’t. Today he had us stand in two lines taking up the width of the ice. He stood in front of us and he moved his stick in different directions (forwards, backwards, right, left and hit the ice) and we, being the talented bunch that we are, were to follow in the direction of the stick. There are some obvious challenges with this particular drill. 1: you are required to look up at all times. 2: You are required to stop quickly. 3: You have to skate backwards and 4: When we drop to our stomachs we are expected to shoot back up. There is no shooting back up. There is dropping then getting on all fours, then using your stick as leverage getting one foot on the ice then the other. By this time I am being run over by the line behind me because I missed the move forward signal.

Coach decided not to have a scrimmage, pity. We ended practice with suicides. Although it wasn’t pretty I did manage to pulverize the Terrier!

When we were hitting the dressing room coach reminded us to read over our cheat sheets. Apparently, I was being a little sensitive when Sarge gave me my papers earlier. All players were given a copy last week. Oops! Sorry Sarge.

Thoughts:

1:Since the season began my chin has been breaking out. I thought I was developing a case of adult onset acne. I now realize it is due to my germ filled chin guard. I’m thinking of asking for some Proactiv for a stocking stuffer this Christmas.

Cheers
The Pylon