The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Season II
Chapter 4
Friday November 12, 2010
Pre-game: This week has been a horse of a different colour. Exactly one year ago I became a full fledged “Lady of Leisure” I finished a contract and decided to learn how to skate and play hockey and not pound the pavement for another job.
Don’t get me wrong, technically, since I’ve been a tender teenager I’ve been a kept woman, but every once in a while my rocket man (this is his true name. I’ve tried others names this past year, husband, agent etc., but this just fits and rolls off the tongue. So from now on he who is husband will be referred to as Rocket Man) and I pretend that I’m a working woman. So for years I’ve struggled and staggered down the snakes and up the ladders of balancing a travelling Rocket Man, raising children and forays into the workforce.
Long story short, I start work on Monday!!!! A new job for the Pylon.!!!!!
Accepting this job was difficult.
For the past year Rocket Man has brought me coffee in bed every morning he has been in town as well driving the last remaining child to school. The biggest job I’ve has since stopping work is keeping up with my two BFF’s, AKA - The Little Scottish Terrier and The Great Dane. I’ve never mentioned The Great Dane before but she has been in the background. Between the two of them I have been dragged from here to there at their whim. I call it Camp BFF. When Rocket Man comes home and I am half passed out on the sofa with no dinner in sight and asks “what have you done all day?” I say “Camp BFF”. His response is usually “Should we get take out?”
So when I accepted this job I had to sit the Rocket Man, the Last Remaining Child AND The Terrier and The Great Dane down for a heart to heart. “I’m going back to work. I start Monday” I told them all. Below are their unspoken thoughts.
Rocket Man:
Jubilation.
I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I still won’t have dinner on the table when I get home after a 13 hour work day. The laundry will still be climbing up the basement stairs, I won’t have a lovingly made lunch or milk for my morning cereal and I will have to drive the last remaining to school every morning. The good new s is the Pylon will have to get the hell out of bed and I won’t have to deliver her coffee every morning with refills before I leave.
The Last Remaining:
Can I have the car?
The last remaining has just turned 16 and he is pushing for me to get a new car and leave him “The Hornet” A vintage green Toyota Echo. Vintage because they don’t make echo’s anymore. This will never happen but he is persistent.
When I stopped working last year I decided I had the time and energy to start cooking vegetarian as well as vegan. To a 16 year old male the word vegan can be a four letter + one word. Every grocery day for the first few weeks he hid my vegan cook book in protest. When I told him I was going back to work and that I was dusting off my slow cooker all he said was “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” I’m not sure if I should interpret this as he is happy to be vegan or is vegan the lesser of two evils???????
The Great Dane:
I am prepared to give you two weeks to figure out how this is not going to affect me.
The Little Scottish Terrier:
This is not going to affect me because this is what you are going to do and this is when I want you present and I don’t want to hear another word!!! Don’t make me hurt you because I’m not taking you to the emerg.
I start Monday. I’ll let you know how it turns out for all five of us.
Post-game:
The Terrier and I did our 2 hour gym work out prior to hockey. 15 minutes into the 2nd hour she sends me her lopsided grin, which I read to say “Honey this is your last weekend as a Lady o’ Leisure we are not going to hockey, we are going to drink wine. This is your first weekend as a Weekend Warrior” I accepted with a nod.
Here is where I invoke the Code of the road rule. The rest is history and cannot be mentioned. Let’s just say the Terrier and the Great Dane have sent me off to the working world with a hangover!!!!!!
They’re so good to me.
Thoughts:
1. I hope working will make me be grateful for hockey more than I am now.
2. All Hale “The Weekend Warrior”
Cheers
The Pylon
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Season II Chapter 3
The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Season II
Chapter 3
Friday November 5, 2010
Pre-game:
The Terrier and I missed last week’s practice. We took our magical mystery show on the road. We drove to Boston to take in a little Tom Brady and Brett Favre action in Foxboro. Unfortunately, our departure time was exactly when we should have been lacing up our skates. Coincidence? I think not.
I enjoyed the game but I have to say I had a hard time following the live action. I couldn’t actually see the pigskin or follow the plays. I realized I am an armchair football fan. I need professional camera angles, HD and Jaworski and Esiason to tell me what’s going on.
Now it’s game day and I have no excuses that seemed plausible. I will myself into the car and drive in the direction of the rink. I know if I pull a no show the cold paw of the Terrier will be around my neck faster than she can pop a mars bar after a workout.
Post-game:
The first thing Sarge did when I arrived was to hand me some papers. “Here!” she said cheerfully “study this”. She gave me a cheat sheet and notes on player positions. I waited for her to hand them out to all the other players but she didn’t, she just continued to dress. How very passive aggressive of her to let everyone know who she thought needed work all the while smiling pleasantly. Was I being sensitive? Paranoid? Oh the humiliation! I told her, matter of factly, that I knew exactly where I was supposed to be thank you very much. I just couldn’t get there on skates!!!
Coach is taking this volunteer job very seriously. He’s on a mission to whip us into shape and make us look like a real hockey team. What are the chances that dream will ever see the light of day. We now have a warm up routine; I’m usually late so I can’t tell you what the beginning of routine is, I usually arrive when they are doing their final circles. After circles it’s on to a give and go drill that looks more like a give, readjust yourself, watch your pass, apologize if it didn’t make it to the intended player, apologize if the intended player missed a perfectly good pass, have a conversation with the player behind you, then go drill. I am sure by the end of the season we will have the drill mastered.
Coach has us doing a lot of skating drills. You might ask why but I wouldn’t. Today he had us stand in two lines taking up the width of the ice. He stood in front of us and he moved his stick in different directions (forwards, backwards, right, left and hit the ice) and we, being the talented bunch that we are, were to follow in the direction of the stick. There are some obvious challenges with this particular drill. 1: you are required to look up at all times. 2: You are required to stop quickly. 3: You have to skate backwards and 4: When we drop to our stomachs we are expected to shoot back up. There is no shooting back up. There is dropping then getting on all fours, then using your stick as leverage getting one foot on the ice then the other. By this time I am being run over by the line behind me because I missed the move forward signal.
Coach decided not to have a scrimmage, pity. We ended practice with suicides. Although it wasn’t pretty I did manage to pulverize the Terrier!
When we were hitting the dressing room coach reminded us to read over our cheat sheets. Apparently, I was being a little sensitive when Sarge gave me my papers earlier. All players were given a copy last week. Oops! Sorry Sarge.
Thoughts:
1:Since the season began my chin has been breaking out. I thought I was developing a case of adult onset acne. I now realize it is due to my germ filled chin guard. I’m thinking of asking for some Proactiv for a stocking stuffer this Christmas.
Cheers
The Pylon
Season II
Chapter 3
Friday November 5, 2010
Pre-game:
The Terrier and I missed last week’s practice. We took our magical mystery show on the road. We drove to Boston to take in a little Tom Brady and Brett Favre action in Foxboro. Unfortunately, our departure time was exactly when we should have been lacing up our skates. Coincidence? I think not.
I enjoyed the game but I have to say I had a hard time following the live action. I couldn’t actually see the pigskin or follow the plays. I realized I am an armchair football fan. I need professional camera angles, HD and Jaworski and Esiason to tell me what’s going on.
Now it’s game day and I have no excuses that seemed plausible. I will myself into the car and drive in the direction of the rink. I know if I pull a no show the cold paw of the Terrier will be around my neck faster than she can pop a mars bar after a workout.
Post-game:
The first thing Sarge did when I arrived was to hand me some papers. “Here!” she said cheerfully “study this”. She gave me a cheat sheet and notes on player positions. I waited for her to hand them out to all the other players but she didn’t, she just continued to dress. How very passive aggressive of her to let everyone know who she thought needed work all the while smiling pleasantly. Was I being sensitive? Paranoid? Oh the humiliation! I told her, matter of factly, that I knew exactly where I was supposed to be thank you very much. I just couldn’t get there on skates!!!
Coach is taking this volunteer job very seriously. He’s on a mission to whip us into shape and make us look like a real hockey team. What are the chances that dream will ever see the light of day. We now have a warm up routine; I’m usually late so I can’t tell you what the beginning of routine is, I usually arrive when they are doing their final circles. After circles it’s on to a give and go drill that looks more like a give, readjust yourself, watch your pass, apologize if it didn’t make it to the intended player, apologize if the intended player missed a perfectly good pass, have a conversation with the player behind you, then go drill. I am sure by the end of the season we will have the drill mastered.
Coach has us doing a lot of skating drills. You might ask why but I wouldn’t. Today he had us stand in two lines taking up the width of the ice. He stood in front of us and he moved his stick in different directions (forwards, backwards, right, left and hit the ice) and we, being the talented bunch that we are, were to follow in the direction of the stick. There are some obvious challenges with this particular drill. 1: you are required to look up at all times. 2: You are required to stop quickly. 3: You have to skate backwards and 4: When we drop to our stomachs we are expected to shoot back up. There is no shooting back up. There is dropping then getting on all fours, then using your stick as leverage getting one foot on the ice then the other. By this time I am being run over by the line behind me because I missed the move forward signal.
Coach decided not to have a scrimmage, pity. We ended practice with suicides. Although it wasn’t pretty I did manage to pulverize the Terrier!
When we were hitting the dressing room coach reminded us to read over our cheat sheets. Apparently, I was being a little sensitive when Sarge gave me my papers earlier. All players were given a copy last week. Oops! Sorry Sarge.
Thoughts:
1:Since the season began my chin has been breaking out. I thought I was developing a case of adult onset acne. I now realize it is due to my germ filled chin guard. I’m thinking of asking for some Proactiv for a stocking stuffer this Christmas.
Cheers
The Pylon
Friday, October 22, 2010
Chapter 2
The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Season II
Chapter 12
Friday October 22, 2010
Pre-game:After reading The Chronicles last week my angelic son informed me my helmet was in his room. Upon questioning said son for the reasons said helmet was in his room, his response was to inform me I did not find the helmet in time for my practice because I was not looking hard enough and maybe subconsciously I did not want to find it. Being the third child he has the ability to back pedal better and faster than most. I am sure his older siblings would agree. Most times he comes off looking like a seraph but in this case with the other two not living at home there was no one else to blame. There was no getting out of it. Besides he has two helmets of his own. Why was he messing with mine? I have yet to receive an adequate explanation.
My pre game routine this week consisted of making sure I have everything in my bag that I need to play hockey. Okay, okay maybe not play hockey, but be legal on the ice. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Wash, brush and perfume. Last but not least the diamonds.
Post-game:
There were only nine of us in practice today. Most had a passable excuse. The Terrier was no present, more on that later.
I was on time today and on the ice at 11:55am. I actually got a warm up. I skated around and around feeling pretty good about myself. I had on all my own equipment, I could see through my cage and I decided to use a bandana to keep the hair out of my face and it seemed to be working. After a few minutes of skating forward I decided to try my hand at skating backwards. I know I had trouble last year but this was a new season, a new coach and so I went for it.
Thirty seconds later coach came over. “What are you doing?’ he asked. “Skating backwards” I responded. Coach then launched into teaching me the fundamentals of how to skate backwards. He did not use difficult words and he backed everything up with visuals. I did everything he asked. Curiously He started from the beginning. For the second time I did what he asked. Then in a very positive voice he said I would make a great forward. I told him I play defence. He said “Oh..really????”
Practice consisted of drills which worked on several things at the same time. I’m not sure what they all were so I have to take coach’s word for it. For our last drill we did some complicated play and he was adamant we not rush the drill and we were not to skate at top speed.
Seriously? Obviously this guy’s new.
There was no scrimmage again today. Hurray!!! We worked on positions. After a few minutes working on positions coach felt it necessary to work on stopping. I don’t think I need to explain. So for the remainder of practice we did stopping drills.
I hope he is beginning to see the light and all this talk of playing a real game will stop.
Thoughts:
1. The Terrier did a no show just because. No reason. She sat at home drinking tea. I’m going to have to tighten the leash.
2. I will have a jill by next week. I won’t bore you with the details. Let's just say the area is now under threat.
Cheers
The Pylon
Season II
Chapter 12
Friday October 22, 2010
Pre-game:After reading The Chronicles last week my angelic son informed me my helmet was in his room. Upon questioning said son for the reasons said helmet was in his room, his response was to inform me I did not find the helmet in time for my practice because I was not looking hard enough and maybe subconsciously I did not want to find it. Being the third child he has the ability to back pedal better and faster than most. I am sure his older siblings would agree. Most times he comes off looking like a seraph but in this case with the other two not living at home there was no one else to blame. There was no getting out of it. Besides he has two helmets of his own. Why was he messing with mine? I have yet to receive an adequate explanation.
My pre game routine this week consisted of making sure I have everything in my bag that I need to play hockey. Okay, okay maybe not play hockey, but be legal on the ice. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Wash, brush and perfume. Last but not least the diamonds.
Post-game:
There were only nine of us in practice today. Most had a passable excuse. The Terrier was no present, more on that later.
I was on time today and on the ice at 11:55am. I actually got a warm up. I skated around and around feeling pretty good about myself. I had on all my own equipment, I could see through my cage and I decided to use a bandana to keep the hair out of my face and it seemed to be working. After a few minutes of skating forward I decided to try my hand at skating backwards. I know I had trouble last year but this was a new season, a new coach and so I went for it.
Thirty seconds later coach came over. “What are you doing?’ he asked. “Skating backwards” I responded. Coach then launched into teaching me the fundamentals of how to skate backwards. He did not use difficult words and he backed everything up with visuals. I did everything he asked. Curiously He started from the beginning. For the second time I did what he asked. Then in a very positive voice he said I would make a great forward. I told him I play defence. He said “Oh..really????”
Practice consisted of drills which worked on several things at the same time. I’m not sure what they all were so I have to take coach’s word for it. For our last drill we did some complicated play and he was adamant we not rush the drill and we were not to skate at top speed.
Seriously? Obviously this guy’s new.
There was no scrimmage again today. Hurray!!! We worked on positions. After a few minutes working on positions coach felt it necessary to work on stopping. I don’t think I need to explain. So for the remainder of practice we did stopping drills.
I hope he is beginning to see the light and all this talk of playing a real game will stop.
Thoughts:
1. The Terrier did a no show just because. No reason. She sat at home drinking tea. I’m going to have to tighten the leash.
2. I will have a jill by next week. I won’t bore you with the details. Let's just say the area is now under threat.
Cheers
The Pylon
Friday, October 15, 2010
Season II Chapter 1
The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Season II
Chapter 1
Friday October 15, 2010
Pre-game:
I knew at the end of last season this day would come.
The emails from Sarge started to appear in my inbox just as I was enjoying the last gasp of summer frivolity. They started off subtly by asking if I was interested in joining the team again. These ones were easy to ignore. Then they became a little more directed; she was putting the team roster together and WAS I STILL INTERSTED and WOULD I PLEASE RESPOND TO THE EMAIL!!! To my surprise I even managed to ignore that one. Then she emailed my agent (aka the husband). Busted! I had to make a decision.
The Little Scottish Terrier was away so I could not consult her on whether I should, she should or we should join the Pickless Chicks for a second season. After some thought I emailed Sarge and let her know I was coming back for a second season and The Terrier was away but I had heard from her and she wanted to join too. I told The Terrier what I had done when she came back from vacation. I haven’t let her get close enough for her to land a punch, but payback is coming I can feel it.
Yesterday I went on a hunting expedition...in my basement. I was on the hunt for my hockey equipment. After our last practice in the spring I threw my bag in the basement and left it there. I found the bag where and how I left it, hauled it upstairs and outside. With a plugged nose and a quick zip I dumped the gear on the deck. GROSS! Surprise, surprise, It still smells and some pieces have grey/green fuzzy stuff on it. The stuff I could wash I threw in the machine, the rest I wiped down and left outside for the day. The last task, get the skates sharpened.
Post-game:
I hate to admit it but I was delusional thinking this year would be different or at least start out differently. I woke thinking all I had to do was pack up the aired gear, get to the rink on time, give Sarge my money and hope everything I had learned last year would come naturally this year.
Sadly, I am unable to get out of my one way when it comes to hockey. The day started out according to plan. It began with my pre hockey mental prep of coffee, coffee and coffee. As the time neared I started putting my bag together, getting the stuff out of the dryer, collecting all the stuff I had thrown in the hallway the night before( I didn’t remember to bring it inside until later in the night. It was a damp so I just chucked it in the hall). It wasn’t until I had one foot out the door I realized I was missing a piece of equipment....my helmet. Where was my helmet? I went through my bag. I looked outside. I looked in the corner of the basement. No helmet. I do believe my youngest and most precious child has made off with my helmet!
Question - How do you turn the Little Scottish Terrier into a cur in one easy step?
Answer - Don’t show up for the first practice.
I decided I should go to the rink explain to the Terrier and pay my bill. As I was explaining, Sarge offered me the use of her son’s helmet. I just had to go to her home and retrieve it. So, off I trot, it is now 11:55am. I am back in the dressing room by 12:05pm. Everyone was now on the ice with the exception of the Terrier and one other player. As I was putting my gear on I was faced with more dilemmas. I only packed one shin guard and the helmet I was using was 2 sizes too big. I looked at my side kick for some advice. I think the Little Scottish Terrier is not going to let me off the hook for enrolling her in hockey for a second year without her consent. She flashed me “the Look” The one that lets you know she is discommoded and you are to blame. I could expect no help from her. It was 12:18pm by the time I got myself, with one missing shin guard and a wobbly helmet, on the ice.
There are a few minor changes to our team from last year. We have lost a few players and they have been replaced with new ones and as crazy as it sounds Sarge has informed us there is now a waiting list of players hoping to join the team. Hopefully the ones she handpicked for the few open spots are the most talented of the bunch.
We have a new coach, he seems okay, he sounds like he knows what he’s talking about. He has experience coaching women. But sadly, for the Terrier, he does not tie skates. Ha Ha. We only did drills today, no scrimmage which was good news for my unprotected shin.
Although I couldn’t see much today due to the fact my borrowed helmet kept falling down over my eyes and resting on the bridge of my nose, I think we look like the same team as last year...bad.
To give you an example of why most of us should not be doing this, today as Coach was explaining a drill we were all facing him listening and all of a sudden we all hear a titanic crash. We all turn and there was a player lying face up on the ice. No one bumped into her. She just fell. Both legs went up and she came crashing down on the ice. Coach said that’s what’s called “hitting a land mine”.
Thoughts:
1. Find my helmet.
2. Pack my other shin guard.
3. Try not to hit any land mines.
Cheers
The Pylon
Season II
Chapter 1
Friday October 15, 2010
Pre-game:
I knew at the end of last season this day would come.
The emails from Sarge started to appear in my inbox just as I was enjoying the last gasp of summer frivolity. They started off subtly by asking if I was interested in joining the team again. These ones were easy to ignore. Then they became a little more directed; she was putting the team roster together and WAS I STILL INTERSTED and WOULD I PLEASE RESPOND TO THE EMAIL!!! To my surprise I even managed to ignore that one. Then she emailed my agent (aka the husband). Busted! I had to make a decision.
The Little Scottish Terrier was away so I could not consult her on whether I should, she should or we should join the Pickless Chicks for a second season. After some thought I emailed Sarge and let her know I was coming back for a second season and The Terrier was away but I had heard from her and she wanted to join too. I told The Terrier what I had done when she came back from vacation. I haven’t let her get close enough for her to land a punch, but payback is coming I can feel it.
Yesterday I went on a hunting expedition...in my basement. I was on the hunt for my hockey equipment. After our last practice in the spring I threw my bag in the basement and left it there. I found the bag where and how I left it, hauled it upstairs and outside. With a plugged nose and a quick zip I dumped the gear on the deck. GROSS! Surprise, surprise, It still smells and some pieces have grey/green fuzzy stuff on it. The stuff I could wash I threw in the machine, the rest I wiped down and left outside for the day. The last task, get the skates sharpened.
Post-game:
I hate to admit it but I was delusional thinking this year would be different or at least start out differently. I woke thinking all I had to do was pack up the aired gear, get to the rink on time, give Sarge my money and hope everything I had learned last year would come naturally this year.
Sadly, I am unable to get out of my one way when it comes to hockey. The day started out according to plan. It began with my pre hockey mental prep of coffee, coffee and coffee. As the time neared I started putting my bag together, getting the stuff out of the dryer, collecting all the stuff I had thrown in the hallway the night before( I didn’t remember to bring it inside until later in the night. It was a damp so I just chucked it in the hall). It wasn’t until I had one foot out the door I realized I was missing a piece of equipment....my helmet. Where was my helmet? I went through my bag. I looked outside. I looked in the corner of the basement. No helmet. I do believe my youngest and most precious child has made off with my helmet!
Question - How do you turn the Little Scottish Terrier into a cur in one easy step?
Answer - Don’t show up for the first practice.
I decided I should go to the rink explain to the Terrier and pay my bill. As I was explaining, Sarge offered me the use of her son’s helmet. I just had to go to her home and retrieve it. So, off I trot, it is now 11:55am. I am back in the dressing room by 12:05pm. Everyone was now on the ice with the exception of the Terrier and one other player. As I was putting my gear on I was faced with more dilemmas. I only packed one shin guard and the helmet I was using was 2 sizes too big. I looked at my side kick for some advice. I think the Little Scottish Terrier is not going to let me off the hook for enrolling her in hockey for a second year without her consent. She flashed me “the Look” The one that lets you know she is discommoded and you are to blame. I could expect no help from her. It was 12:18pm by the time I got myself, with one missing shin guard and a wobbly helmet, on the ice.
There are a few minor changes to our team from last year. We have lost a few players and they have been replaced with new ones and as crazy as it sounds Sarge has informed us there is now a waiting list of players hoping to join the team. Hopefully the ones she handpicked for the few open spots are the most talented of the bunch.
We have a new coach, he seems okay, he sounds like he knows what he’s talking about. He has experience coaching women. But sadly, for the Terrier, he does not tie skates. Ha Ha. We only did drills today, no scrimmage which was good news for my unprotected shin.
Although I couldn’t see much today due to the fact my borrowed helmet kept falling down over my eyes and resting on the bridge of my nose, I think we look like the same team as last year...bad.
To give you an example of why most of us should not be doing this, today as Coach was explaining a drill we were all facing him listening and all of a sudden we all hear a titanic crash. We all turn and there was a player lying face up on the ice. No one bumped into her. She just fell. Both legs went up and she came crashing down on the ice. Coach said that’s what’s called “hitting a land mine”.
Thoughts:
1. Find my helmet.
2. Pack my other shin guard.
3. Try not to hit any land mines.
Cheers
The Pylon
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Chapter 15
The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 15
Friday March 26, 2010
Song of the week: Celebrate Good Times by Cool and The Gang
Pre-game:
What a glorious day today is. The temperature has plummeted to -12, it’s snowing for the first time in 3 weeks and the wind is blowing. Could there be a better day for MY LAST DAY OF HOCKEY? I say no. Bring it on!!!!!!!!
It has been a bit of a slog to get through this season. It’s had its ups and downs. I ditched The Terrier a few times and she ditched me. Both of us have taken some hits and had our falls. The Terrier got her goals and I got none, she laughed at me and me at her, she cursed me for getting her involved and I learned to duck and praise the strength of my equipment when she came after me. But the good news is The Little Scottish Terrier and I are still talking.
As I think back to the day Sarge caught me off guard and asked me to join the team, I’m not sure what possessed me to say yes. After the first practice I’m sure the Sarge was asking what possessed her to ask me. She’ll probably have tryouts next year to avoid the likes of me and my elk.
I can’t, with all honesty, say I have improved. As most would attest, every Friday I am a repeat beginner.
I have hockey Alzheimer’s.
Post-game:
As I began to dress and other players started rolling in I notice the empty spot where The Terrier should be. I didn’t check-in to see if she was coming so I fear the worst. Could she ditch the last day? The simple answer is yes.
Without the Terrier and a few other missing players we decide to start practice. The prevailing thought was to head right into a scrimmage. What good would a drill be at this stage of the game?
In typical school yard fashion two teams were to be picked by the Captain (Sarge) and the Assistant Captain (Side Kick) respectively. GREAT I feel like I’m twelve.
You know how this goes; each Captain begins with claiming the top players. To my great surprise I was not chosen in the first round or the second, or the third. They looked at me and I know they know my name. In the fifth round the Assistant almost said my name when it was her pick, but she choked on the words before they were fully out and she managed to claim a different player. Sarge claimed me in the next round.
All things considered a sixth round draft pick is not so bad.
I am relieved The Terrier wasn’t there to enjoy my humiliation and the knowledge that there were only six rounds.
For the most part we have figured out offside, we have not figured out icing. Most of us get nervous with the puck and when we do make contact, our initial reaction is to try and get the puck away as fast and as far as possible. The coach does not call it so we end up going up and down the ice. First one way then the other and so on and so forth. After a particularly gruelling shift of back and forth, I make it back to the bench and look up at the clock to see how much more time I have to suffer. 12:15pm!!!!! 45 minutes left? Are you kidding? This is what happens when you have no drills.
At 12:17pm I see a straggler come out of the dressing room and start walking around the arena to our bench. Could it be? Yes, the laggard is none other than The Terrier. I reminded her practice starts at 12pm and has all season and then I ducked. Because of her tardiness she is forced to be on my team. I suppose this is a fitting end for us.
There were quite a few people in the bleaches for our last game; a few husbands some girlfriends and The Terriers Mom and Dad. You know, you’re never too old to have your parents come and cheer you on.
Both teams played well and another fitting end to the season; a 5-5 tie.
In the dressing room I was informed that any player entering I.P. (initial period) hockey is required to participate for two years before being allowed to quit.
I guess this means I’ll be writing to you next year.
Thoughts:
1. All’s well that ends well
2. I brought beer for the dressing room.
Cheers
The Pylon
Chapter 15
Friday March 26, 2010
Song of the week: Celebrate Good Times by Cool and The Gang
Pre-game:
What a glorious day today is. The temperature has plummeted to -12, it’s snowing for the first time in 3 weeks and the wind is blowing. Could there be a better day for MY LAST DAY OF HOCKEY? I say no. Bring it on!!!!!!!!
It has been a bit of a slog to get through this season. It’s had its ups and downs. I ditched The Terrier a few times and she ditched me. Both of us have taken some hits and had our falls. The Terrier got her goals and I got none, she laughed at me and me at her, she cursed me for getting her involved and I learned to duck and praise the strength of my equipment when she came after me. But the good news is The Little Scottish Terrier and I are still talking.
As I think back to the day Sarge caught me off guard and asked me to join the team, I’m not sure what possessed me to say yes. After the first practice I’m sure the Sarge was asking what possessed her to ask me. She’ll probably have tryouts next year to avoid the likes of me and my elk.
I can’t, with all honesty, say I have improved. As most would attest, every Friday I am a repeat beginner.
I have hockey Alzheimer’s.
Post-game:
As I began to dress and other players started rolling in I notice the empty spot where The Terrier should be. I didn’t check-in to see if she was coming so I fear the worst. Could she ditch the last day? The simple answer is yes.
Without the Terrier and a few other missing players we decide to start practice. The prevailing thought was to head right into a scrimmage. What good would a drill be at this stage of the game?
In typical school yard fashion two teams were to be picked by the Captain (Sarge) and the Assistant Captain (Side Kick) respectively. GREAT I feel like I’m twelve.
You know how this goes; each Captain begins with claiming the top players. To my great surprise I was not chosen in the first round or the second, or the third. They looked at me and I know they know my name. In the fifth round the Assistant almost said my name when it was her pick, but she choked on the words before they were fully out and she managed to claim a different player. Sarge claimed me in the next round.
All things considered a sixth round draft pick is not so bad.
I am relieved The Terrier wasn’t there to enjoy my humiliation and the knowledge that there were only six rounds.
For the most part we have figured out offside, we have not figured out icing. Most of us get nervous with the puck and when we do make contact, our initial reaction is to try and get the puck away as fast and as far as possible. The coach does not call it so we end up going up and down the ice. First one way then the other and so on and so forth. After a particularly gruelling shift of back and forth, I make it back to the bench and look up at the clock to see how much more time I have to suffer. 12:15pm!!!!! 45 minutes left? Are you kidding? This is what happens when you have no drills.
At 12:17pm I see a straggler come out of the dressing room and start walking around the arena to our bench. Could it be? Yes, the laggard is none other than The Terrier. I reminded her practice starts at 12pm and has all season and then I ducked. Because of her tardiness she is forced to be on my team. I suppose this is a fitting end for us.
There were quite a few people in the bleaches for our last game; a few husbands some girlfriends and The Terriers Mom and Dad. You know, you’re never too old to have your parents come and cheer you on.
Both teams played well and another fitting end to the season; a 5-5 tie.
In the dressing room I was informed that any player entering I.P. (initial period) hockey is required to participate for two years before being allowed to quit.
I guess this means I’ll be writing to you next year.
Thoughts:
1. All’s well that ends well
2. I brought beer for the dressing room.
Cheers
The Pylon
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Chapter 14
The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 14
Friday March 19, 2010:
Song of the week: Tubthumping by Chumbawamba
Pre-game:
I know I have been sedulous in my approach to my hockey career and it has pained me over the course of this season to miss a day but sometimes “The Husband’s” job interferes with my leisure activities. This was the case last Friday. I was called into action, so I grudgingly took out the mouth guard, donned the pearls and sadly missed last week’s practice.
Thankfully today is our last day at it. We get our team photo taken today; Woo Hoo and that should be the end of it. I wonder how much I will get for my gear when I sell at the second hand store. It will be sad to see Woody and Buzz go but I’m sure they will be put to better use in someone else’s hand.
So, as they do in the big leagues: hair, makeup, diamonds, sprits of CoCo and off I go.
Post-game:
The first order of business was the photo. After we got our gear on and come out of the dressing room we realized the photo would be taken on the ice. This was cause for concern as we had to be on the ice without helmets. This is a very tricky undertaking for some of us. After some negotiations and the Sarge’s stentorian directions we managed to have the photo done without incident.
Coach was missing today but we did have the help of a couple of hubbies. We did one drill; banking the puck off the boards in order to get around the opposing player. This really only works if you hit the puck at the right speed and the right angle. If you hit too hard with no angle the puck comes right out the way it went in, you however have kept going and so the opposing player gets the puck. If you hit it too hard with too much angle the puck shoots off into next week.
After we tried this out a few times we went right into a scrimmage. We have no pinnies so we have to play shirts and skins. I made the mistake of volunteering skins first and not many people followed me. The Terrier took most of the strong players with her.
We tried something new today. We would play positions and shifts. As they do in the I.P. (initiation period) league, we would play for 2 minutes, play would stop and we would have a shift change. This proved to be more difficult than expected because none of us paid attention to the clock to call the shift change and when we did it took us more than a minute to get organized. So the coaches decided to make the shifts three minutes in length.
Playing positions was interesting. It forced us to spread out a little more; we played a little less amoeba hockey. Another effect of playing positions was a lot of clashes. Now that you were acutely aware you were responsible for the puck when it was in your zone you had two women, who have no idea how to stop, going after the puck. The result...WHAM, CRACK, CRUNCH.
I had an unfortunate incident late in the scrimmage. As you know I play defence and I was deep in my end. I attempted a little shake and bake move against this tenacious little ginger that had been dogging me every shift. Well the move worked but not for long. She was back on me and got the better position. My left arm was against the boards, she was at my right, the puck a little too far from my reach. I decided to use my stick to lift up her stick so she couldn’t play the puck. Long story short, I pulled up with a lot of force, she let go of her stick and I kept going backwards, my legs came out from under me and it ended with a spectacular splat. Pride picked me up, but I hurt at just about every point. Back on the bench one of the husbands congratulated me on my shake and bake move and added a little sympathy at how it turned out in the end.
Most of us still do not have name bands so I am not sure how The Terrier did on all of her shifts. I can’t comment on all her little embarrassments but I am sure there were many. The end result of the scrimmage was 5-3 for the shirts and the last, weak, pufter goal came from The Terrier. How does she always find a way to smite me?
Thoughts:
1. There were two spectators in the stands who were in hysterics for most of the scrimmage. The Terrier wondered if they might be scouts.
2. Much to my surprise this was NOT our last week.
Cheers
The Pylon
Chapter 14
Friday March 19, 2010:
Song of the week: Tubthumping by Chumbawamba
Pre-game:
I know I have been sedulous in my approach to my hockey career and it has pained me over the course of this season to miss a day but sometimes “The Husband’s” job interferes with my leisure activities. This was the case last Friday. I was called into action, so I grudgingly took out the mouth guard, donned the pearls and sadly missed last week’s practice.
Thankfully today is our last day at it. We get our team photo taken today; Woo Hoo and that should be the end of it. I wonder how much I will get for my gear when I sell at the second hand store. It will be sad to see Woody and Buzz go but I’m sure they will be put to better use in someone else’s hand.
So, as they do in the big leagues: hair, makeup, diamonds, sprits of CoCo and off I go.
Post-game:
The first order of business was the photo. After we got our gear on and come out of the dressing room we realized the photo would be taken on the ice. This was cause for concern as we had to be on the ice without helmets. This is a very tricky undertaking for some of us. After some negotiations and the Sarge’s stentorian directions we managed to have the photo done without incident.
Coach was missing today but we did have the help of a couple of hubbies. We did one drill; banking the puck off the boards in order to get around the opposing player. This really only works if you hit the puck at the right speed and the right angle. If you hit too hard with no angle the puck comes right out the way it went in, you however have kept going and so the opposing player gets the puck. If you hit it too hard with too much angle the puck shoots off into next week.
After we tried this out a few times we went right into a scrimmage. We have no pinnies so we have to play shirts and skins. I made the mistake of volunteering skins first and not many people followed me. The Terrier took most of the strong players with her.
We tried something new today. We would play positions and shifts. As they do in the I.P. (initiation period) league, we would play for 2 minutes, play would stop and we would have a shift change. This proved to be more difficult than expected because none of us paid attention to the clock to call the shift change and when we did it took us more than a minute to get organized. So the coaches decided to make the shifts three minutes in length.
Playing positions was interesting. It forced us to spread out a little more; we played a little less amoeba hockey. Another effect of playing positions was a lot of clashes. Now that you were acutely aware you were responsible for the puck when it was in your zone you had two women, who have no idea how to stop, going after the puck. The result...WHAM, CRACK, CRUNCH.
I had an unfortunate incident late in the scrimmage. As you know I play defence and I was deep in my end. I attempted a little shake and bake move against this tenacious little ginger that had been dogging me every shift. Well the move worked but not for long. She was back on me and got the better position. My left arm was against the boards, she was at my right, the puck a little too far from my reach. I decided to use my stick to lift up her stick so she couldn’t play the puck. Long story short, I pulled up with a lot of force, she let go of her stick and I kept going backwards, my legs came out from under me and it ended with a spectacular splat. Pride picked me up, but I hurt at just about every point. Back on the bench one of the husbands congratulated me on my shake and bake move and added a little sympathy at how it turned out in the end.
Most of us still do not have name bands so I am not sure how The Terrier did on all of her shifts. I can’t comment on all her little embarrassments but I am sure there were many. The end result of the scrimmage was 5-3 for the shirts and the last, weak, pufter goal came from The Terrier. How does she always find a way to smite me?
Thoughts:
1. There were two spectators in the stands who were in hysterics for most of the scrimmage. The Terrier wondered if they might be scouts.
2. Much to my surprise this was NOT our last week.
Cheers
The Pylon
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Chapter 13
The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 13
Friday February 19&26, 2010: Double Edition
Song of the week: I believe by Nikki Yanofsky
Pre-game:
OK folks, yes I did not post last week. Blame it on the Olympics. I did go to hockey last week. Not much happened. The Terrier gave it a miss, everyone wants to play another team and I got the wind knocked out of me by Lacrosse’s ass, but other than that it was business as usual.
I don’t know about the rest of you but I have Olympic sleep deprivation. The action is so exciting I have missed my bed time for the past 2 weeks. I just finished watching Canada win 2 gold medals within 5 minutes of one another. Amazing. Shame on the big wigs running the “Own the Podium” program who, last week, publically said how the results/athletes were not meeting their expectations. Obviously they have never played competitive sports. No athlete would take their marbles and go home half way through a game. Canada is rockn’ the gold step of the podium.
In my quest to play hockey I have, for the most part, only watched men’s teams for pointers. This week I avidly watched the ladies hockey team trying to pick up ideas and skills. In the gold medal game on Thursday I finally figured out what I was doing wrong.
Every game day since the beginning of my season I have laid around the house. Thought about all the things I could be doing on Friday at noon, drank copious amounts of coffee, read the paper, maybe attempted some housework (lie), searched for my hockey underwear, lamented I hadn’t got hockey tape again and an hour out from the game started on my pre-game write-up for the chronicles.
I watched the woman’s game from start to finish and it wasn’t until the 3rd period when I realized that, with the exception of Hayley Wickenheiser, all the women were done up to the nines; like they were about to attend a prom. Some of them were wearing pearls!
This was my “ah ha” hockey moment. I was attempting to play hockey looking like a slob. Shame on me. I decided to make an effort today. It will be hard since our practice has been moved to 9:15am instead of noon due to our provincial March break. Now I will miss 3 hours of pregame, aka drinking coffee, rituals.
Post-game:
Well, I woke up early in order to get the proper amount of caffeine in the system, showered, put on deodorant, brushed my teeth, broke out the diamond earrings and put on mascara and lipstick. My hockey underwear was still in a ball in the corner of the mudroom from last week, but I felt that was a minor detail.
This week our practice was just before a major midget hockey tournament. My son is playing in this tournament. I have to drop him off, go to my practice and then watch his game. The kick in the pants is that players are always dropped off early. TODAY WE ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE!!!!
The good news is I am wearing a jersey with my maiden name on the back so I won’t embarrass my son. The bad news is my son’s first name is my maiden name. Oops!
In the locker room I tucked my socks into my knee pads because I forgot to replenish my tape again, I put on our ridiculously hideous team clothing and I head out the door. During warm up coach has to fix my neck protector, I fear my mascara is running down my face because my left eyes has decided it wants to tear and my nose, well since this venture has begun, my nose starts to run from the moment I put my foot on the ice until I get in my car when it’s all over. I am probably a mess but I do have diamond earrings on!
As you know I wear my maiden name on my jersey because I am pathetic and do not want to besmirch the family name. I have told coach I cannot use my name until I can skate backwards. Well ladies and gentlemen. I can now skate backwards, slowly. Coach said I can have my name back! I am proud of myself, I have come a long way since October but, I will stick with the maiden name for now because, although I can skate forward and backward, I can’t transition between the two. If I am skating forward I have to come to a complete stop, turn, and begin to skate backwards. I have a long way to go but I think before I am in the grave I will figure it out.
Drills went well, there were spectators but none seemed to be laughing in hysterics. My son’s team paraded past us and in respect for him no one made eye contact.
Because we all have the same outfit on and our names (except mine) are on the jersey our scrimmage is shirts and skins. Today I am on skins, we actually look like a bunch of transformers, and we manage a 2-0 win.
Today coach says we are played at a Pee Wee AA level. Andrew (my husband) says coach has taken too many hits to the head.
Thoughts:
1. The Terrier is still AWOL
2. No practice next week.
3. Two weeks to go!!!!!!!!!!
Cheers
The Pylon
Chapter 13
Friday February 19&26, 2010: Double Edition
Song of the week: I believe by Nikki Yanofsky
Pre-game:
OK folks, yes I did not post last week. Blame it on the Olympics. I did go to hockey last week. Not much happened. The Terrier gave it a miss, everyone wants to play another team and I got the wind knocked out of me by Lacrosse’s ass, but other than that it was business as usual.
I don’t know about the rest of you but I have Olympic sleep deprivation. The action is so exciting I have missed my bed time for the past 2 weeks. I just finished watching Canada win 2 gold medals within 5 minutes of one another. Amazing. Shame on the big wigs running the “Own the Podium” program who, last week, publically said how the results/athletes were not meeting their expectations. Obviously they have never played competitive sports. No athlete would take their marbles and go home half way through a game. Canada is rockn’ the gold step of the podium.
In my quest to play hockey I have, for the most part, only watched men’s teams for pointers. This week I avidly watched the ladies hockey team trying to pick up ideas and skills. In the gold medal game on Thursday I finally figured out what I was doing wrong.
Every game day since the beginning of my season I have laid around the house. Thought about all the things I could be doing on Friday at noon, drank copious amounts of coffee, read the paper, maybe attempted some housework (lie), searched for my hockey underwear, lamented I hadn’t got hockey tape again and an hour out from the game started on my pre-game write-up for the chronicles.
I watched the woman’s game from start to finish and it wasn’t until the 3rd period when I realized that, with the exception of Hayley Wickenheiser, all the women were done up to the nines; like they were about to attend a prom. Some of them were wearing pearls!
This was my “ah ha” hockey moment. I was attempting to play hockey looking like a slob. Shame on me. I decided to make an effort today. It will be hard since our practice has been moved to 9:15am instead of noon due to our provincial March break. Now I will miss 3 hours of pregame, aka drinking coffee, rituals.
Post-game:
Well, I woke up early in order to get the proper amount of caffeine in the system, showered, put on deodorant, brushed my teeth, broke out the diamond earrings and put on mascara and lipstick. My hockey underwear was still in a ball in the corner of the mudroom from last week, but I felt that was a minor detail.
This week our practice was just before a major midget hockey tournament. My son is playing in this tournament. I have to drop him off, go to my practice and then watch his game. The kick in the pants is that players are always dropped off early. TODAY WE ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE!!!!
The good news is I am wearing a jersey with my maiden name on the back so I won’t embarrass my son. The bad news is my son’s first name is my maiden name. Oops!
In the locker room I tucked my socks into my knee pads because I forgot to replenish my tape again, I put on our ridiculously hideous team clothing and I head out the door. During warm up coach has to fix my neck protector, I fear my mascara is running down my face because my left eyes has decided it wants to tear and my nose, well since this venture has begun, my nose starts to run from the moment I put my foot on the ice until I get in my car when it’s all over. I am probably a mess but I do have diamond earrings on!
As you know I wear my maiden name on my jersey because I am pathetic and do not want to besmirch the family name. I have told coach I cannot use my name until I can skate backwards. Well ladies and gentlemen. I can now skate backwards, slowly. Coach said I can have my name back! I am proud of myself, I have come a long way since October but, I will stick with the maiden name for now because, although I can skate forward and backward, I can’t transition between the two. If I am skating forward I have to come to a complete stop, turn, and begin to skate backwards. I have a long way to go but I think before I am in the grave I will figure it out.
Drills went well, there were spectators but none seemed to be laughing in hysterics. My son’s team paraded past us and in respect for him no one made eye contact.
Because we all have the same outfit on and our names (except mine) are on the jersey our scrimmage is shirts and skins. Today I am on skins, we actually look like a bunch of transformers, and we manage a 2-0 win.
Today coach says we are played at a Pee Wee AA level. Andrew (my husband) says coach has taken too many hits to the head.
Thoughts:
1. The Terrier is still AWOL
2. No practice next week.
3. Two weeks to go!!!!!!!!!!
Cheers
The Pylon
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