Chapter 4

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Season II
Chapter 4
Friday November 12, 2010

Pre-game: This week has been a horse of a different colour. Exactly one year ago I became a full fledged “Lady of Leisure” I finished a contract and decided to learn how to skate and play hockey and not pound the pavement for another job.

Don’t get me wrong, technically, since I’ve been a tender teenager I’ve been a kept woman, but every once in a while my rocket man (this is his true name. I’ve tried others names this past year, husband, agent etc., but this just fits and rolls off the tongue. So from now on he who is husband will be referred to as Rocket Man) and I pretend that I’m a working woman. So for years I’ve struggled and staggered down the snakes and up the ladders of balancing a travelling Rocket Man, raising children and forays into the workforce.

Long story short, I start work on Monday!!!! A new job for the Pylon.!!!!!

Accepting this job was difficult.

For the past year Rocket Man has brought me coffee in bed every morning he has been in town as well driving the last remaining child to school. The biggest job I’ve has since stopping work is keeping up with my two BFF’s, AKA - The Little Scottish Terrier and The Great Dane. I’ve never mentioned The Great Dane before but she has been in the background. Between the two of them I have been dragged from here to there at their whim. I call it Camp BFF. When Rocket Man comes home and I am half passed out on the sofa with no dinner in sight and asks “what have you done all day?” I say “Camp BFF”. His response is usually “Should we get take out?”

So when I accepted this job I had to sit the Rocket Man, the Last Remaining Child AND The Terrier and The Great Dane down for a heart to heart. “I’m going back to work. I start Monday” I told them all. Below are their unspoken thoughts.

Rocket Man:
Jubilation.
I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I still won’t have dinner on the table when I get home after a 13 hour work day. The laundry will still be climbing up the basement stairs, I won’t have a lovingly made lunch or milk for my morning cereal and I will have to drive the last remaining to school every morning. The good new s is the Pylon will have to get the hell out of bed and I won’t have to deliver her coffee every morning with refills before I leave.

The Last Remaining:
Can I have the car?
The last remaining has just turned 16 and he is pushing for me to get a new car and leave him “The Hornet” A vintage green Toyota Echo. Vintage because they don’t make echo’s anymore. This will never happen but he is persistent.
When I stopped working last year I decided I had the time and energy to start cooking vegetarian as well as vegan. To a 16 year old male the word vegan can be a four letter + one word. Every grocery day for the first few weeks he hid my vegan cook book in protest. When I told him I was going back to work and that I was dusting off my slow cooker all he said was “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!” I’m not sure if I should interpret this as he is happy to be vegan or is vegan the lesser of two evils???????

The Great Dane:
I am prepared to give you two weeks to figure out how this is not going to affect me.

The Little Scottish Terrier:
This is not going to affect me because this is what you are going to do and this is when I want you present and I don’t want to hear another word!!! Don’t make me hurt you because I’m not taking you to the emerg.

I start Monday. I’ll let you know how it turns out for all five of us.

Post-game:
The Terrier and I did our 2 hour gym work out prior to hockey. 15 minutes into the 2nd hour she sends me her lopsided grin, which I read to say “Honey this is your last weekend as a Lady o’ Leisure we are not going to hockey, we are going to drink wine. This is your first weekend as a Weekend Warrior” I accepted with a nod.

Here is where I invoke the Code of the road rule. The rest is history and cannot be mentioned. Let’s just say the Terrier and the Great Dane have sent me off to the working world with a hangover!!!!!!

They’re so good to me.

Thoughts:
1. I hope working will make me be grateful for hockey more than I am now.
2. All Hale “The Weekend Warrior”
Cheers
The Pylon

Season II Chapter 3

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Season II
Chapter 3
Friday November 5, 2010

Pre-game:

The Terrier and I missed last week’s practice. We took our magical mystery show on the road. We drove to Boston to take in a little Tom Brady and Brett Favre action in Foxboro. Unfortunately, our departure time was exactly when we should have been lacing up our skates. Coincidence? I think not.

I enjoyed the game but I have to say I had a hard time following the live action. I couldn’t actually see the pigskin or follow the plays. I realized I am an armchair football fan. I need professional camera angles, HD and Jaworski and Esiason to tell me what’s going on.

Now it’s game day and I have no excuses that seemed plausible. I will myself into the car and drive in the direction of the rink. I know if I pull a no show the cold paw of the Terrier will be around my neck faster than she can pop a mars bar after a workout.

Post-game:

The first thing Sarge did when I arrived was to hand me some papers. “Here!” she said cheerfully “study this”. She gave me a cheat sheet and notes on player positions. I waited for her to hand them out to all the other players but she didn’t, she just continued to dress. How very passive aggressive of her to let everyone know who she thought needed work all the while smiling pleasantly. Was I being sensitive? Paranoid? Oh the humiliation! I told her, matter of factly, that I knew exactly where I was supposed to be thank you very much. I just couldn’t get there on skates!!!

Coach is taking this volunteer job very seriously. He’s on a mission to whip us into shape and make us look like a real hockey team. What are the chances that dream will ever see the light of day. We now have a warm up routine; I’m usually late so I can’t tell you what the beginning of routine is, I usually arrive when they are doing their final circles. After circles it’s on to a give and go drill that looks more like a give, readjust yourself, watch your pass, apologize if it didn’t make it to the intended player, apologize if the intended player missed a perfectly good pass, have a conversation with the player behind you, then go drill. I am sure by the end of the season we will have the drill mastered.

Coach has us doing a lot of skating drills. You might ask why but I wouldn’t. Today he had us stand in two lines taking up the width of the ice. He stood in front of us and he moved his stick in different directions (forwards, backwards, right, left and hit the ice) and we, being the talented bunch that we are, were to follow in the direction of the stick. There are some obvious challenges with this particular drill. 1: you are required to look up at all times. 2: You are required to stop quickly. 3: You have to skate backwards and 4: When we drop to our stomachs we are expected to shoot back up. There is no shooting back up. There is dropping then getting on all fours, then using your stick as leverage getting one foot on the ice then the other. By this time I am being run over by the line behind me because I missed the move forward signal.

Coach decided not to have a scrimmage, pity. We ended practice with suicides. Although it wasn’t pretty I did manage to pulverize the Terrier!

When we were hitting the dressing room coach reminded us to read over our cheat sheets. Apparently, I was being a little sensitive when Sarge gave me my papers earlier. All players were given a copy last week. Oops! Sorry Sarge.

Thoughts:

1:Since the season began my chin has been breaking out. I thought I was developing a case of adult onset acne. I now realize it is due to my germ filled chin guard. I’m thinking of asking for some Proactiv for a stocking stuffer this Christmas.

Cheers
The Pylon

Chapter 2

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Season II
Chapter 12
Friday October 22, 2010

Pre-game:After reading The Chronicles last week my angelic son informed me my helmet was in his room. Upon questioning said son for the reasons said helmet was in his room, his response was to inform me I did not find the helmet in time for my practice because I was not looking hard enough and maybe subconsciously I did not want to find it. Being the third child he has the ability to back pedal better and faster than most. I am sure his older siblings would agree. Most times he comes off looking like a seraph but in this case with the other two not living at home there was no one else to blame. There was no getting out of it. Besides he has two helmets of his own. Why was he messing with mine? I have yet to receive an adequate explanation.
My pre game routine this week consisted of making sure I have everything in my bag that I need to play hockey. Okay, okay maybe not play hockey, but be legal on the ice. Coffee, coffee, coffee. Wash, brush and perfume. Last but not least the diamonds.

Post-game:

There were only nine of us in practice today. Most had a passable excuse. The Terrier was no present, more on that later.

I was on time today and on the ice at 11:55am. I actually got a warm up. I skated around and around feeling pretty good about myself. I had on all my own equipment, I could see through my cage and I decided to use a bandana to keep the hair out of my face and it seemed to be working. After a few minutes of skating forward I decided to try my hand at skating backwards. I know I had trouble last year but this was a new season, a new coach and so I went for it.

Thirty seconds later coach came over. “What are you doing?’ he asked. “Skating backwards” I responded. Coach then launched into teaching me the fundamentals of how to skate backwards. He did not use difficult words and he backed everything up with visuals. I did everything he asked. Curiously He started from the beginning. For the second time I did what he asked. Then in a very positive voice he said I would make a great forward. I told him I play defence. He said “Oh..really????”

Practice consisted of drills which worked on several things at the same time. I’m not sure what they all were so I have to take coach’s word for it. For our last drill we did some complicated play and he was adamant we not rush the drill and we were not to skate at top speed.

Seriously? Obviously this guy’s new.

There was no scrimmage again today. Hurray!!! We worked on positions. After a few minutes working on positions coach felt it necessary to work on stopping. I don’t think I need to explain. So for the remainder of practice we did stopping drills.

I hope he is beginning to see the light and all this talk of playing a real game will stop.

Thoughts:
1. The Terrier did a no show just because. No reason. She sat at home drinking tea. I’m going to have to tighten the leash.
2. I will have a jill by next week. I won’t bore you with the details. Let's just say the area is now under threat.

Cheers
The Pylon

Season II Chapter 1

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Season II
Chapter 1
Friday October 15, 2010

Pre-game:
I knew at the end of last season this day would come.

The emails from Sarge started to appear in my inbox just as I was enjoying the last gasp of summer frivolity. They started off subtly by asking if I was interested in joining the team again. These ones were easy to ignore. Then they became a little more directed; she was putting the team roster together and WAS I STILL INTERSTED and WOULD I PLEASE RESPOND TO THE EMAIL!!! To my surprise I even managed to ignore that one. Then she emailed my agent (aka the husband). Busted! I had to make a decision.

The Little Scottish Terrier was away so I could not consult her on whether I should, she should or we should join the Pickless Chicks for a second season. After some thought I emailed Sarge and let her know I was coming back for a second season and The Terrier was away but I had heard from her and she wanted to join too. I told The Terrier what I had done when she came back from vacation. I haven’t let her get close enough for her to land a punch, but payback is coming I can feel it.

Yesterday I went on a hunting expedition...in my basement. I was on the hunt for my hockey equipment. After our last practice in the spring I threw my bag in the basement and left it there. I found the bag where and how I left it, hauled it upstairs and outside. With a plugged nose and a quick zip I dumped the gear on the deck. GROSS! Surprise, surprise, It still smells and some pieces have grey/green fuzzy stuff on it. The stuff I could wash I threw in the machine, the rest I wiped down and left outside for the day. The last task, get the skates sharpened.

Post-game:
I hate to admit it but I was delusional thinking this year would be different or at least start out differently. I woke thinking all I had to do was pack up the aired gear, get to the rink on time, give Sarge my money and hope everything I had learned last year would come naturally this year.

Sadly, I am unable to get out of my one way when it comes to hockey. The day started out according to plan. It began with my pre hockey mental prep of coffee, coffee and coffee. As the time neared I started putting my bag together, getting the stuff out of the dryer, collecting all the stuff I had thrown in the hallway the night before( I didn’t remember to bring it inside until later in the night. It was a damp so I just chucked it in the hall). It wasn’t until I had one foot out the door I realized I was missing a piece of equipment....my helmet. Where was my helmet? I went through my bag. I looked outside. I looked in the corner of the basement. No helmet. I do believe my youngest and most precious child has made off with my helmet!

Question - How do you turn the Little Scottish Terrier into a cur in one easy step?
Answer - Don’t show up for the first practice.

I decided I should go to the rink explain to the Terrier and pay my bill. As I was explaining, Sarge offered me the use of her son’s helmet. I just had to go to her home and retrieve it. So, off I trot, it is now 11:55am. I am back in the dressing room by 12:05pm. Everyone was now on the ice with the exception of the Terrier and one other player. As I was putting my gear on I was faced with more dilemmas. I only packed one shin guard and the helmet I was using was 2 sizes too big. I looked at my side kick for some advice. I think the Little Scottish Terrier is not going to let me off the hook for enrolling her in hockey for a second year without her consent. She flashed me “the Look” The one that lets you know she is discommoded and you are to blame. I could expect no help from her. It was 12:18pm by the time I got myself, with one missing shin guard and a wobbly helmet, on the ice.

There are a few minor changes to our team from last year. We have lost a few players and they have been replaced with new ones and as crazy as it sounds Sarge has informed us there is now a waiting list of players hoping to join the team. Hopefully the ones she handpicked for the few open spots are the most talented of the bunch.

We have a new coach, he seems okay, he sounds like he knows what he’s talking about. He has experience coaching women. But sadly, for the Terrier, he does not tie skates. Ha Ha. We only did drills today, no scrimmage which was good news for my unprotected shin.

Although I couldn’t see much today due to the fact my borrowed helmet kept falling down over my eyes and resting on the bridge of my nose, I think we look like the same team as last year...bad.

To give you an example of why most of us should not be doing this, today as Coach was explaining a drill we were all facing him listening and all of a sudden we all hear a titanic crash. We all turn and there was a player lying face up on the ice. No one bumped into her. She just fell. Both legs went up and she came crashing down on the ice. Coach said that’s what’s called “hitting a land mine”.

Thoughts:
1. Find my helmet.
2. Pack my other shin guard.
3. Try not to hit any land mines.

Cheers
The Pylon

Chapter 15

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 15
Friday March 26, 2010

Song of the week: Celebrate Good Times by Cool and The Gang

Pre-game:
What a glorious day today is. The temperature has plummeted to -12, it’s snowing for the first time in 3 weeks and the wind is blowing. Could there be a better day for MY LAST DAY OF HOCKEY? I say no. Bring it on!!!!!!!!

It has been a bit of a slog to get through this season. It’s had its ups and downs. I ditched The Terrier a few times and she ditched me. Both of us have taken some hits and had our falls. The Terrier got her goals and I got none, she laughed at me and me at her, she cursed me for getting her involved and I learned to duck and praise the strength of my equipment when she came after me. But the good news is The Little Scottish Terrier and I are still talking.

As I think back to the day Sarge caught me off guard and asked me to join the team, I’m not sure what possessed me to say yes. After the first practice I’m sure the Sarge was asking what possessed her to ask me. She’ll probably have tryouts next year to avoid the likes of me and my elk.

I can’t, with all honesty, say I have improved. As most would attest, every Friday I am a repeat beginner.

I have hockey Alzheimer’s.

Post-game:
As I began to dress and other players started rolling in I notice the empty spot where The Terrier should be. I didn’t check-in to see if she was coming so I fear the worst. Could she ditch the last day? The simple answer is yes.

Without the Terrier and a few other missing players we decide to start practice. The prevailing thought was to head right into a scrimmage. What good would a drill be at this stage of the game?

In typical school yard fashion two teams were to be picked by the Captain (Sarge) and the Assistant Captain (Side Kick) respectively. GREAT I feel like I’m twelve.

You know how this goes; each Captain begins with claiming the top players. To my great surprise I was not chosen in the first round or the second, or the third. They looked at me and I know they know my name. In the fifth round the Assistant almost said my name when it was her pick, but she choked on the words before they were fully out and she managed to claim a different player. Sarge claimed me in the next round.

All things considered a sixth round draft pick is not so bad.

I am relieved The Terrier wasn’t there to enjoy my humiliation and the knowledge that there were only six rounds.

For the most part we have figured out offside, we have not figured out icing. Most of us get nervous with the puck and when we do make contact, our initial reaction is to try and get the puck away as fast and as far as possible. The coach does not call it so we end up going up and down the ice. First one way then the other and so on and so forth. After a particularly gruelling shift of back and forth, I make it back to the bench and look up at the clock to see how much more time I have to suffer. 12:15pm!!!!! 45 minutes left? Are you kidding? This is what happens when you have no drills.

At 12:17pm I see a straggler come out of the dressing room and start walking around the arena to our bench. Could it be? Yes, the laggard is none other than The Terrier. I reminded her practice starts at 12pm and has all season and then I ducked. Because of her tardiness she is forced to be on my team. I suppose this is a fitting end for us.

There were quite a few people in the bleaches for our last game; a few husbands some girlfriends and The Terriers Mom and Dad. You know, you’re never too old to have your parents come and cheer you on.

Both teams played well and another fitting end to the season; a 5-5 tie.

In the dressing room I was informed that any player entering I.P. (initial period) hockey is required to participate for two years before being allowed to quit.

I guess this means I’ll be writing to you next year.

Thoughts:
1. All’s well that ends well
2. I brought beer for the dressing room.
Cheers
The Pylon

Chapter 14

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 14
Friday March 19, 2010:

Song of the week: Tubthumping by Chumbawamba

Pre-game:
I know I have been sedulous in my approach to my hockey career and it has pained me over the course of this season to miss a day but sometimes “The Husband’s” job interferes with my leisure activities. This was the case last Friday. I was called into action, so I grudgingly took out the mouth guard, donned the pearls and sadly missed last week’s practice.

Thankfully today is our last day at it. We get our team photo taken today; Woo Hoo and that should be the end of it. I wonder how much I will get for my gear when I sell at the second hand store. It will be sad to see Woody and Buzz go but I’m sure they will be put to better use in someone else’s hand.

So, as they do in the big leagues: hair, makeup, diamonds, sprits of CoCo and off I go.

Post-game:
The first order of business was the photo. After we got our gear on and come out of the dressing room we realized the photo would be taken on the ice. This was cause for concern as we had to be on the ice without helmets. This is a very tricky undertaking for some of us. After some negotiations and the Sarge’s stentorian directions we managed to have the photo done without incident.

Coach was missing today but we did have the help of a couple of hubbies. We did one drill; banking the puck off the boards in order to get around the opposing player. This really only works if you hit the puck at the right speed and the right angle. If you hit too hard with no angle the puck comes right out the way it went in, you however have kept going and so the opposing player gets the puck. If you hit it too hard with too much angle the puck shoots off into next week.

After we tried this out a few times we went right into a scrimmage. We have no pinnies so we have to play shirts and skins. I made the mistake of volunteering skins first and not many people followed me. The Terrier took most of the strong players with her.

We tried something new today. We would play positions and shifts. As they do in the I.P. (initiation period) league, we would play for 2 minutes, play would stop and we would have a shift change. This proved to be more difficult than expected because none of us paid attention to the clock to call the shift change and when we did it took us more than a minute to get organized. So the coaches decided to make the shifts three minutes in length.

Playing positions was interesting. It forced us to spread out a little more; we played a little less amoeba hockey. Another effect of playing positions was a lot of clashes. Now that you were acutely aware you were responsible for the puck when it was in your zone you had two women, who have no idea how to stop, going after the puck. The result...WHAM, CRACK, CRUNCH.

I had an unfortunate incident late in the scrimmage. As you know I play defence and I was deep in my end. I attempted a little shake and bake move against this tenacious little ginger that had been dogging me every shift. Well the move worked but not for long. She was back on me and got the better position. My left arm was against the boards, she was at my right, the puck a little too far from my reach. I decided to use my stick to lift up her stick so she couldn’t play the puck. Long story short, I pulled up with a lot of force, she let go of her stick and I kept going backwards, my legs came out from under me and it ended with a spectacular splat. Pride picked me up, but I hurt at just about every point. Back on the bench one of the husbands congratulated me on my shake and bake move and added a little sympathy at how it turned out in the end.

Most of us still do not have name bands so I am not sure how The Terrier did on all of her shifts. I can’t comment on all her little embarrassments but I am sure there were many. The end result of the scrimmage was 5-3 for the shirts and the last, weak, pufter goal came from The Terrier. How does she always find a way to smite me?

Thoughts:
1. There were two spectators in the stands who were in hysterics for most of the scrimmage. The Terrier wondered if they might be scouts.
2. Much to my surprise this was NOT our last week.
Cheers
The Pylon

Chapter 13

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 13
Friday February 19&26, 2010: Double Edition
Song of the week: I believe by Nikki Yanofsky

Pre-game:
OK folks, yes I did not post last week. Blame it on the Olympics. I did go to hockey last week. Not much happened. The Terrier gave it a miss, everyone wants to play another team and I got the wind knocked out of me by Lacrosse’s ass, but other than that it was business as usual.

I don’t know about the rest of you but I have Olympic sleep deprivation. The action is so exciting I have missed my bed time for the past 2 weeks. I just finished watching Canada win 2 gold medals within 5 minutes of one another. Amazing. Shame on the big wigs running the “Own the Podium” program who, last week, publically said how the results/athletes were not meeting their expectations. Obviously they have never played competitive sports. No athlete would take their marbles and go home half way through a game. Canada is rockn’ the gold step of the podium.

In my quest to play hockey I have, for the most part, only watched men’s teams for pointers. This week I avidly watched the ladies hockey team trying to pick up ideas and skills. In the gold medal game on Thursday I finally figured out what I was doing wrong.

Every game day since the beginning of my season I have laid around the house. Thought about all the things I could be doing on Friday at noon, drank copious amounts of coffee, read the paper, maybe attempted some housework (lie), searched for my hockey underwear, lamented I hadn’t got hockey tape again and an hour out from the game started on my pre-game write-up for the chronicles.

I watched the woman’s game from start to finish and it wasn’t until the 3rd period when I realized that, with the exception of Hayley Wickenheiser, all the women were done up to the nines; like they were about to attend a prom. Some of them were wearing pearls!

This was my “ah ha” hockey moment. I was attempting to play hockey looking like a slob. Shame on me. I decided to make an effort today. It will be hard since our practice has been moved to 9:15am instead of noon due to our provincial March break. Now I will miss 3 hours of pregame, aka drinking coffee, rituals.

Post-game:

Well, I woke up early in order to get the proper amount of caffeine in the system, showered, put on deodorant, brushed my teeth, broke out the diamond earrings and put on mascara and lipstick. My hockey underwear was still in a ball in the corner of the mudroom from last week, but I felt that was a minor detail.

This week our practice was just before a major midget hockey tournament. My son is playing in this tournament. I have to drop him off, go to my practice and then watch his game. The kick in the pants is that players are always dropped off early. TODAY WE ARE GOING TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE!!!!

The good news is I am wearing a jersey with my maiden name on the back so I won’t embarrass my son. The bad news is my son’s first name is my maiden name. Oops!

In the locker room I tucked my socks into my knee pads because I forgot to replenish my tape again, I put on our ridiculously hideous team clothing and I head out the door. During warm up coach has to fix my neck protector, I fear my mascara is running down my face because my left eyes has decided it wants to tear and my nose, well since this venture has begun, my nose starts to run from the moment I put my foot on the ice until I get in my car when it’s all over. I am probably a mess but I do have diamond earrings on!

As you know I wear my maiden name on my jersey because I am pathetic and do not want to besmirch the family name. I have told coach I cannot use my name until I can skate backwards. Well ladies and gentlemen. I can now skate backwards, slowly. Coach said I can have my name back! I am proud of myself, I have come a long way since October but, I will stick with the maiden name for now because, although I can skate forward and backward, I can’t transition between the two. If I am skating forward I have to come to a complete stop, turn, and begin to skate backwards. I have a long way to go but I think before I am in the grave I will figure it out.

Drills went well, there were spectators but none seemed to be laughing in hysterics. My son’s team paraded past us and in respect for him no one made eye contact.

Because we all have the same outfit on and our names (except mine) are on the jersey our scrimmage is shirts and skins. Today I am on skins, we actually look like a bunch of transformers, and we manage a 2-0 win.

Today coach says we are played at a Pee Wee AA level. Andrew (my husband) says coach has taken too many hits to the head.

Thoughts:
1. The Terrier is still AWOL
2. No practice next week.
3. Two weeks to go!!!!!!!!!!
Cheers
The Pylon

Chapter 12

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 12
Friday February 12, 2010
Song of the week: The Bitch is Back by Elton John

Pre-game:

I have just come back from a walk with The Terrier. Saying I went for a walk with The Terrier is like saying I went for a bike ride with Lance Armstrong. It’s more like a forced march. I could probably run while she’s walking. I can’t keep up with her so I try to stay behind her. This way I can go my own speed and pretend to run up the hills like she does.

She’s a quick one and has figured out my m.o. So today she insisted on walking behind me. At my heels I should add. Just like a Terrier. Constant crunch, crunch, crunch, just missing my foot. Making me pick up my pace. It goes without saying I was in a lather by the time the walk ended. I quickly got in my car to avoid a possibly double up activity before hockey started.

I got a chill from my walk and decided to have a cup of tea. Half way through my tea thoughts come to mind...Maybe I won’t go to hockey today. Maybe I’ll just sit here, drink my tea and curl up with my book. No one will miss me if I don’t show up.

Before I take off I checked my email just to see if anything needs my immediate attention.

To my surprise I got an email from Sarge. I looks like coach has the flu and she is looking for someone to coach for the day. I make a quick executive decision and decide if the coach is sick it’s as good as a cancelled practise. This must be how kids feel when they wake and find out they have a snow day.

Oh look, it’s too late to call The Terrier to let her know I’m not coming. Tee Hee Hee. Hope she have fun at practice. Tee Hee. Instead of reading I think I’ll go have a nap. I’ll need to be rested when comes after me. Tee Hee.

Post-game:

The Terrier called. She’s kinda still taking to me I think. The call went better than anticipated. I took the silence on the other end as implied dismay, an inferred grievance. Maybe she’ll think twice about how fast we walk next time.

Thoughts:
1. I have a feeling The Terrier is not going to let me out of her sight next Friday.
2. 5 weeks to go.

Cheers
The Pylon

Chapter 11

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 11
Friday February 5, 2010
Song of the week: Eye of the Tiger by Survivor

Pre-game:

Well. Well. Well. Here we are back at Friday. It has been so cold this week I can’t imagine how cold my gear is going to be when I put it on, or how cold the rink is going to be. I have to admit something to you. I’m a sugar plum. There I’ve said it and I am not equipped for these conditions. I should be under some palm fronds being waited on by Enrique Suavé. How did I ever land here?

I have been secretly studying hockey players on TV as well as when I go to games. What do they have that I don’t have? What do they do that I need to do? Why are they having fun? What am I missing???? I told myself today I was going to be brave. I was going to tackle this sport like I have other sports; lots of aggression and no fear. I realize I can’t do the drills unless I have speed. If I fall. I fall. Suck it up princess. Today is the day.

Today is the day we get our jerseys. The anticipation is killing me.

Post-game:

The jerseys are worse than anticipated. The socks are light pink and the jerseys are Pepto pink. I suggested our theme song when coming onto the ice during scrimmages should be “Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea!” I also suggested we practice the Pepto dance during ice time. I was disappointed to have no takers. I commented on the fact the jerseys were wide and short and were they possibly a Friday afternoon special bought from the back of a truck? Sarge thought they were nice and that I should have a bit more team spirit. Blah, Blah.

I was my usual 10 minutes late for drills. It doesn’t seem to bother coach, he just starts without me. I did my best to do better. I went faster, I bent lower, I flex my ankles more, my glides were longer, my stick was in the palm of my hand, I talk myself around every corner “okay loser skate, skate, speed, speed, head up, stop looking at the ice, when you turn lead with the chin, lean into the turn, ah man, where’s my G.D. puck?”

The arrival of the jerseys means an end to the red team’s dominion. It also means more concentration during the scrimmage because we are all dressed alike. I chose the team with the least amount of players. With this new attitude I was sporting I figured I would get a bit more ice time. I chance to hone my skills.

We “change on the fly” so I usually get a chance to do all the positions by the end of the game. But I always start in the defence position. Today my wing man was “Lacrosse” I call her that because she plays lacrosse and she is our best player. I was hoping she would be able to get everything I missed.

Not 30 second into the game the puck lands deep into our end and on my side. Lacrosse yells for me to get it. Reluctantly, I go after it and just before I get to it someone jams me into the boards!! As I was sliding, slow motion, down the side of the boards with one knee bent and the other outstretched, stick between my legs. I waited. Waited but it never came. No “sorry”. No “oops”. No “are you alright?” She did it deliberately! As she was skating off with my puck I took note... #11. Little missy gets a new jersey and now she thinks she’s pro. OKAY. IT’S ON. THE GLOVES ARE COMIN’ OFF. Who is # 11? Our names aren’t on the jerseys yet so I’ll have to remember the number and wait for my opportunity.

During my next rotation I played forward. I had a breakaway that came to nothing, but at the end of my shift I dug one out of their corner and passed it to the centre of the crease and my team mate put it in. Yes, I got an assist!!!! Coach said I made an awesome pass!

My opportunity to get back at #11 came late in the scrimmage. The puck was sliding down the ice and she was going for it. I threw fear out the window. I skated with determination, arms and legs and stick going in all directions. She got the puck first but she didn’t have it for long after I side swiped her. We both kinda skidded across the ice coming to a stop after doing a 180. As I was picking myself up I realized the person I landed on was # 44.
Sorry Sarge.

Thoughts:
1. Today was the first day I manage to break a sweat. The times are a changing’
2. The Little Scottish Terrier did not make an appearance today.

Chapter 10

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 10
Friday January 29, 2010

Song of the week: Use Somebody by Kings of Leon

Pre-game:
Andrew wasn’t too thrilled to learn I used his stuff last week under my gear. He was even less thrilled to learn I was using his actual clothes and not his sports gear. The only argument I had was that the top and bottom were long and I wore them under my gear. Voila, long underwear.

Buzz is all ready to go today. My son fixed him up last night. We decided to make Buzz a little longer than Woody because I was having a hard time connecting to the puck with Woody. Buzz is red so I hope this will put me on the red team legitimately. It will also be nice to get a few black puck marks on my blade. I have never connected to the puck with Woody so the tape I put on in October still looks new. The only damage to the original tape job would be the handle. I seem to grip the stick too tightly and in the wrong spot. Apparently you’re not supposed to hold your stick in a death grip and the proper position is to have the end of your stick in the centre of your palm. But that feels like I’m going to lose it. I always end up holding the stick about a hands length from the top. It goes without saying holding the stick that far down puts a player in an awkward position.

I’m not sure but I have a suspicion we might be getting the pink jerseys today. Between the emails and the bench conversation it could happen any time. It’s not just that having pink jerseys is such a cliché for a ladies team and it’s not that the colour will clash with Buzz. The thing that scares me most about getting the jerseys is it will be harder to avoid a scrimmage with another team. Not many want to acknowledge that some of us can’t skate, the majority can’t skate with their heads up, none of us understand off side, our goalies can’t pick themselves up on their own, some of us freeze and shut our eyes when another player approaches and none of us can stop. The day we scrimmage will be a very scary day.

Last week I left my skates with coach to sharpen. I’m hoping it will make a difference in my performance today. But, I’m secretly hoping he’ll forget them.

Post- game:
So the Terrier was in fine form this afternoon. The Terrier is a repeat beginner and it all started in the dressing room when she put her socks on before she put on her knee pads. She didn’t realize until she had most of her gear on and the knee pads were still in her bag. Let’s just say it went downhill from there.

In drills we practiced dropping to one knee and picking ourselves back up all while moving forward. Then we progressed to skating forward and dropping onto both knees (good thing the Terrier put her pads on after all). It’s hard to drop to your knees and come back up again; I end up doing a 360 before I slow down enough to pick myself back up using my stick for leverage(which I am not suppose to do). Also, I spend a lot of energy trying not to fall and here we are doing drills for it. We practiced our stops again. The Terrier does a pretty good stop on one side and goes out of her way not to have to try on the other side. Once when she tried to stop she slowed down then did this stutter step using both feet, she called it her River Dance move. We did a stopping drill using our sticks for direction. The Terrier ended up confusing the coach so badly he said she didn’t have to do the drill. It just wasn’t her day.

I was traded from the red team today. Being on the red team one week does not mean you make the cut the following week. Sarge makes the decisions. I wasn’t even traded for a bag of pucks. I was traded for THE TERRIER! I think the Terrier is paying people off.

The score today was a tie 0 - 0. There was only one significant crash. Two players who couldn’t stop knocked each other down. One typically lands on the other. It’s Murphy’s Law that the smaller girl always lands under the larger one. It usually takes a few minutes for the two to get up because they have to sit there for a good 10 seconds apologizing to each other and making sure the other is okay before they untangle themselves. I’m not exaggerating when I say...untangle

No jerseys arrived today so the scrimmage will be delayed for at least another 2 weeks

Thoughts:
1. I can’t believe I have two more months of this. I am so looking forward to the post season. Like all great hockey players past and present I plan on taking up post season golf so I don’t injure myself for next year.

Chapter 9

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 9
Friday, January 22, 2010

Song of the week: You Get the Glory by Kathleen Edwards, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1m69S1dfrak

Pre-game:
It is with sadness I have to report the Terrier and I ski as well as we skate. Both of us made a valiant attempt to keep up with the skiers but the condo and all the sofa had to offer was a better fit for us. However, if potato chip eating were a sport the Little Scottish Terrier would be a frequent Sports Illustrated cover athlete.

From the emails I have been getting from “The Manager” (who will from this date forward be referred to as “Sarge”) it looks like we are moving along with the pink jerseys as well as our team and rookie pictures. I don’t recall being asked to participate in the photo shoot or signing a release allowing the photo to hang in the store of our sponsor. None of this was mentioned as a possibility when I was asked to join the team. I don’t know where or when but I know that picture is going to come back to haunt me. It will be similar to what happened to the Terrier when her son found an old photo of her as a teenager hanging on the wall of our local rec. centre of her receiving her “Miss Fairvale” crown.

Some have suggested the coach’s interest in my marital status last week might have been a little flirtation. Not so I say. Without protesting too much, it’s not possible. This man has never seen me out of this second hand, miss matched stinking hockey gear. Not to mention I have no skill. I hug the boards and I ankle skate. The icing on the cake is the constant dribble of snot running down my face which I can’t do anything about because of the bloody cage on my helmet - this is not attractive by any standards. His attention was plain and simple pity.

I still have not sized Buzz. I must be attached to Woody even though he’s too small, not very mighty and never gets the job done. It should be my goal to have Buzz ready for next week. I also have to remember to bring my own tape. I ran out a couple of weeks before Christmas and I have been mooching ever since. Most girls don’t use it because they have jills that hold up their socks but as you are aware I have just been taping the socks to my legs.

Post-game:
I couldn’t find my long underwear I use for hockey and I didn’t want to permanently stink up a pair of my good ones so I ended up grabbing a set of Andrew’s to use. I’m hoping he won’t notice the new aroma of his stuff.

When I bought my stick I also bought several rolls of tape. I hung the bag in the closet. It appears my son has raided my stash. The bag was where I left it, with the receipt and the 25 cents of Canadian Tire money but the only evidence of tape was the plastic wrapping. Being late for practice, as usually, I looked around the mudroom for tape replacement. I ended up grabbing a roll of red electrical tape. Guess what? Electrical tape doesn’t stick to hockey socks or long underwear! No one seemed to care about my situation so I stuffed my socks in my knee pads and hoped for the best.

We now have two goalies. Neither one of them is qualified. At this age most of us have a difficult time with quick, awkward movements. Add the bulk of goalie gear and the end result is a net minder who goes for the puck, misses then lands belly up on the ice. The entertainment factor comes when she can’t get herself up. We don’t stop play to help her because none of us are trained. So, looking like a slug about to pop she has to wait for the coach to flip her and help her to her feet.

For one drill coach had us try to skate in big c-cuts up and down the ice while holding our stick in both hands like holding a tray just like Ovechkin does. RIGHT.

After drills “The Serge” has us divide into our jersey colours. Reds,whites, blues and blacks. After taking stock she divides us up. Reds and blacks as one team. Whites and blues the other. Poor little Terrier stuck on the white team. I on the other had have made it at long last to the red team. This is going to be good.

Gerrrrr. It can’t be. Blast it. The white team gets the first two goals. The Terrier has taken a defence position never leaving her end, but she revels in each goal like she made an assist. I was on the ice for both goals. Being -2 I decided to take up left bench again. As I was getting off, my replacement asked what position I was playing. I told her I was playing the position of running into and hanging off of the opposing players. Good luck. At 3–0, The Terrier skates by my bench taunting me, suggesting the red team’s winning streak was really about her. By the last whistle whites and blues were 4, reds and blacks 2.

I got the last laugh though. I suggested to coach that last goal wins. He agreed so..Red team wins again!!!!

Thoughts:
1. I need to get thin gloves to wear under my hockey gloves. Some players come off the ice in a sweat from the exertions. I don’t generate any heat from standing still or picking myself off the ice. It will also mean my hands wont smell like gross gear for the rest on the day. It takes about 24 hours for it to fade even with repeat washing.
2. Andrew’s stuff doesn’t smell too bad.
Cheers
The Pylon

Chapter 8

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 8
Friday, January 15, 2010
Song of the week: Back in the Saddle by Aerosmith

Pre-game:

My New Year’s resolution is to step away from the boards. I have given myself until March 26th (our last day).

I didn’t get around to sizing and taping Buzz, so I will have to settle for Woody this one last time. I have managed to safety pin my new name band to my jersey. I don’t sew. (This is probably something I should have mentioned to Andrew before he married me). I also did not get my skates sharpened which might be a problem. Actually, I have no idea when I need a sharpening or what difference it will make. I have asked my little hockey player and he said “you know you need a sharpening when you have trouble stopping and you can’t find your edge”. If I go on that advice I will have to get a sharpening every Friday!

Post-Game:
Well it was fun to be re-acquainted with the ice. The feel and the taste of it. I had forgotten how it tasted when you did a face plant and little ice chips landed in your nose and mouth and how it felt on my wrist, elbow and shoulder as you landed on it. How it has no give. In two weeks I had forgotten how to fall. I was quite the pro before Christmas, but I guess I needed more time under my belt to maintain the skill. Instead of a stick for Christmas I should have asked for one of those skate chairs little kids use to hold themselves up.

When I got on the ice coach came over, seeing I had a new name band he asked me if I got a divorce over the holiday. NICE HUH? I told him my family said I was to use my maiden name until I could skate backwards. Sad that my family had disowned me so causally, he tried right there to teach me to skate backwards...he lasted about a minute and felt my family had a point.

Drills today were mostly review, T-pushes, stick handling, skating forward, gathering speed then turning to skate backwards with and without a puck. Half way through this particular drill, as I picking myself off the ice, I noticed my son plus a few friends were enjoying themselves at my expense. Not only was he having a belly laugh but the little rug rat was taking video. I’d share it with you but it actually looks like a still photo. The only way you can tell it is a video is by the other players moving around me. I can’t wait until March 26th.

There’s nothing interesting to report about the scrimmage by now you know how it ends. RED TEAM WINS AGAIN.

Thoughts:
1. The Little Terrier didn’t make it today. She’s still on the sofa sleeping off Christmas I guess.
2. I’ve noticed I have started scheduling things dangerously close to my hockey time. At first I thought this was an accidental occurrence but I think there is more to it.
3. I am constantly looking for activities to do with the Little Scottish Terrier which I might be better skilled. So I have invited her to go skiing with me this weekend in Sugarloaf. It should be good for a few laughs since the last time she went skiing she broke her A@#!! Tee Hee.

Cheers!
The Pylon

Chapter 7

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 7
Friday January 8, 2010

Song of the week: Hit Me with Your Best Shot by Pat Benatar

Pre-game:
Ugg, I am back on the oatmeal and all natural plan yogurt. This is what happens when you partake in all the bacchanalia the season has to offer. When I look in the mirror, that is only big enough to reflect my head and shoulders, I can honestly say my waistline does not seem to have suffered from my reckless eating habits over the past two weeks. The thing I miss the most is the steady stream of refined sugar coursing through the veins. I get to 3pm and I need a nap and caffeine is not helping with the withdrawal.

I didn’t don the skates once over the holidays. I dropped my son off every day for free skate and drove off, back to the sofa and my box of fudge. Feeling safe and content knowing I was not going to terrorize myself on this particular day.

Well, Santa bought me a new high tech composite hockey stick. Since it is a new and improved version of Woody I have decided to call the stick Buzz Light Year. Buzz for short. He is lighter and sticky so if I can’t hold on to the puck at least I can hold on to the stick. Hayley Wickenheiser look out! Also, a friend and reader (Sue and Ted) who were equally concerned about me sullying the family name gave me a new name band with my maiden name for my jersey. Still no jill.

As mentioned in chapter 6, when the river freezes,” The Manager” will make her husband clear a space on the river for a rink. January 1 there he was scrapping and clearing while the Terrier watched from her kitchen window drinking her coffee. The neighbourhood joke about the river rink is whenever he clears the rink the next day there will be a snow storm. Even if he leaves it for weeks and then gets to it on his free time the next day there is a storm. ALWAYS!

It is a widely held view that Canadians are addicted to the weather network. In our neck of the woods we just wait for “The Husband” to start clearing the ice and we all rush to the store for milk and bread.

Today was our first day back after the holidays. I fortunately did not go. I made a trip to Halifax and missed the event. I was under the impression most of the men who always get their man had been shipped off to Vancouver for the Olympics and I was going to have a free speeding pass. Well, I think my little trip corresponded with January quota week. I wasn’t 5k into my 300k trip and I was pulled for speeding. To make matters worse, the trip to and fro was littered with RCMP. I had to put the car in cruise control which prevented from making good time. If you’re wondering, my record is still pristine. Not even a written warning. Just a small slap on the wrist and a “please slow down miss”.

Next week will be a challenge but with the new stick and name band I should be laughing.

Thoughts:
1. It has occurred to me that some of you know me and some know the Terrier but there are not many of you who know us both. So I have taken it upon myself to try and help you out. If you are trying to picture The Terrier think of Maggie Smith in her role as Professor Minerva McGonagall in Harry Potter. For me I would say Chalize Theron. Not as her role in the Monster, more like how you would see her on the red carpet.
2. Did I mention my stick was RED!!!!!!!!!

Cheers
The Pylon

Chapter 6

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 6
Friday December 18, 2009

Song of the week: Beast of Burden by The Stones

Pre-game:
True to my word I arranged time with a trainer. She walked me through that scary section of the gym. You know which one I’m talking about; the area which is populated by strapping young lads who grunt, groan and sling free weights. Now, between all of them is me. Sitting on my little stability ball with my 7.5lbs dumb bells (I’m not sure the 7.5 pounders classify as dumb bells but oh well) trying desperately to strengthen and tone my 42 year old body in the vain hopes it will make a difference on the ice. Time will tell I suspect. Right now the only thing I can say for sure is my “bat wings” (my unused triceps) are screaming. They have been happily attached to my arms for years providing no assistance what so ever and now they are not happy.

I’ve decided to get the party started today by bringing beer to practice. I forgot to pick up the cans yesterday so now I am in a little bit of a pickle because I have to go to the liquor store... this morning. I’m not sure when the store opens but I should go at 11am in order to arrive in time to dress. Either way I play this it is not going to look good. On the one hand the store will be open and I will be getting alcohol at 11am on the other hand, the store is not open and I end up sitting in front of the liquor store, car idling with a few of my new BFF’s, desperate to get their alcohol the minute the store opens. What I am prepared to do in the name of hockey.

We practice in a school rink during school hours but no kids are in the dressing room. I’m not sure if I’m breaking any laws by bringing beer. I will most likely find out though as we have a local police officer on our team. I have actually thought about the advantages of having “The Cop” on our team. For me, I am a bit of a lead foot so it can’t hurt if I make nice, let her get a few goals and pray that it’s her when I get pulled over. Is this wrong?

Well, well, well, the terrier just called and she is not going to practice. EXCELLENT! My ice supremacy begins!

Post-game:
Well, I went to the liquor store and decide I could not bring myself to go in. My Mother taught me the unwritten rules of being a suburban housewife and although those close to me can tell you I play fast and loose with most of them, this particular one, I as of today, remains unbroken.

There were only a few of us at practice today. Tis the season I suppose. We did a lot of new drills, learning how to hop, standing backwards c-cuts, foot over foot around the painted circles. All of these drills proved too difficult for me, coach said he could show me how to do the drills on dry land before I attempt them again. So, I chose my ice time to practice on my snow plough stops. I may be going out on a limb here but I think I am actually mastering the skill. I wouldn’t want to be going at any great speed when I do it for real but I am getting the hang of it.

I left practice early, missing the scrimmage. I have to meet the ladies for lunch (official duties of suburban housewifery) and I just wasn’t up for getting slaughtered by the red team again. Even without the little Scottish terrier they were sure to beat our little rag tag multicolour team.
It looks like we are getting closer to having those pink jerseys, Hooray!

Thoughts:
1. This is the last ice time for the year but the river is starting to freeze and I am sure we will have some outdoor ice time once “The Manager” makes her whipped and overworked husband clear off a sizable ice surface for the ladies.
2. It has taken 6 weeks but I have found my hockey nom de plumb “The pylon”. In the world of hockey, players who are easily out maneuvred are referred to as.... pylons.

Cheers
Merry Christmas
The Pylon

Chapter 5

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 5
Friday December 11, 2009

Song of the week: Let Time Go Lightly by Harry Chapin

Pre-game
I’m back from my official duties in Toronto. Although I had a great time, the pearls are back in their case and I am ready to hit the ice (literally). Andrew, being the gentle and caring man that he is, brought my gear in from the car to warm up. Actually he needed the trunk space and his car was beginning to smell.

My gear did come in handy this week. When we got off the plane the car was covered in several inches of snow. Having no scraper we used Woody; my ten dollar ten pound wooden hockey stick. A door crasher special from Canadian Tire. This will likely be the most action the stick will see for the season.

Speaking of Woody, did you know if you are right handed and shoot right handed you have to hold the stick in your left hand? Do you know how hard it is to hold a ten pound hockey stick with a hand and arm that, for the last 20 years, has done nothing but hold a watch and a wedding band?

To make matters worse you just can’t let the stick rest in your hand; you’re expected to hold it at a 45 degree angle from your body and carry/push a puck along with you. It goes without saying the puck has a mind of its own and I can’t keep consistent form. I start with a perfect T-push, arm out and puck in tow. After two strides my wrist is sitting on my hip and the puck is silently mocking me 5 feet away. I don’t even bother to retrieve the puck because it is a whole other series of complex movements which I haven’t been taught.

We have a team name. We are called the “Pickless Chicks”. The team had several names to choose from this got the most votes. Personally, I think the “Ladies of Leisure” has a better ring to it. But as in life those who play left bench don’t get a vote.

Post-game:
The little Scottish terrier had a moment of terror this afternoon. Much to her surprise the red team kicked her off their bench because they had too many players. It appears some ladies have invested in red jerseys over the past few weeks. Un-amused to be getting the boot, she limped over to our team. After some confusion the red team took her back.

The terrier is improving and she knows it. Her sons fixed her helmet which was crushing her temples giving her a headache and making funny red welts on the side of her face. (tee hee) The changes seem to have made a world of difference. @#$%! *%$#! She’s doing fancy snowplough stops and using the boards to move the puck around. I think she’s taking private lessons in her spare time and not telling me.

The team has an hour of ice time. The hour can be divided into three parts. The first 10 minutes is taken up with the coach righting our locker room mistakes. The Terrier of course gets coach to tie her stakes. Some have mixed up their chin and face guard straps. Usually he tucks in my neck guard which is always hanging out and askew. From 12:10pm to 12:40pm we do drills and from 12:40pm to 1pm we scrimmage.

I use the word scrimmage lightly. We actually play something closer to amoeba hockey. The puck floats up and down the ice with 10 players following, hovering and jiggling over it without affecting it in any way. If someone does manage a break away the rest of us can only follow or fall depending on the direction we were facing seconds before.

We only have one goalie and some Fridays she is absent. You would think having no goalies would result in scrimmages with high scores. This is not the case with the Pickless Chicks. Our coach plays referee and net minder for both teams. So, without exaggerating, even in a breakaway scenario, the coach has enough time to skate from wherever he is on the ice to play goalie. I think you get the picture.

Some ladies are talking about organizing a scrimmage with the other local ladies team which has been playing together for 4 years. I think they’re out to lunch!

Thoughts:
1. I have to start getting to the rink 30 minutes before practice starts. I usually get there 15 to 20 minutes before, but it really does take me 30 minutes to put myself together. I suppose if I got the coach to tie my skates like someone else I know I could get there later too.
2. I am considering starting a left sided weight lifting regime to give me an advantage over the Terrier.
3. I think Woody is too short. Every time a go for the puck I miss it.

Chapter 4

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 4
Wednesday December 2, 2009
Song of the week: Forever Young by Bob Dylan
Pre-game
You’ll notice this chapter is coming to you early. I will be missing Friday’s practice due to a previous commitment.
I spent most of this and last week trying to manipulate the terrier into coming to Toronto with me so we would both miss hockey this Friday. She did not take the bait or should I say bone. I now have only one option open to me which puts me on the ice this week but it is against my better judgement. The dreaded mom and tot skate. It will be just my luck the local Tender Tots Day Care will be having its Christmas skate and all the yummy mommies will be there with their home baked goods, spandex and sweaters, lipstick and gloss but most of all..skates with picks.
Post-game
Let me begin by telling you I did not go for the entire hour. I procrastinated long enough that I got all the laundry done and I seriously considered cleaning the fridge. After I talked myself in and out of going several times I finally made it out the door.
In the parking lot with the trunk open and my hockey bag unzipped I tried to decide what equipment I would need for public skate. The most important thing I needed to do was protect my head and frame from falls. So, skates obviously. Helmet, yes. Elbow pads, yes. Knee pads, definitely. Pants for hips and bottom, yes. Gloves for hands and wrists, yes. Socks (miss matched) to cover up the knee pad. Jersey(no family name) to offset the girth created by the pants. With my shoulder pads left in the car I proceed into the arena.
After several minutes of skating forward and the hour winding down I decided it was a good opportunity to practice skating backwards. Seeing how I have decided to play defence this might be a skill I will be called on to use in the future. I picked up some forward speed and did my little pirouette to transition to backwards then.....
Oh the mind is so willing but sadly the body sometimes does not choose to follow. In my mind I am skating backwards. In reality I’m going nowhere. Checking myself out in the Plexiglas I am hunched over and in a full squat, it kind of looks like I’m trying to take a pee on the ice. Somehow I had expected my forward momentum would help me go backwards but you actually have to move your legs. This is a problem because I don’t have the proper balance to move my legs around, facing backwards on ice-skates. I pitch forwards and my arms start to windmill. I have a 50/50 chance of landing on my knees or rear end.
I ended the hour skating confidently in a forward direction and no civilians were injured.
Thoughts
1. In the future I will have to be more careful about scheduling other activities on Friday. I can’t have the little Scottish terrier getting a leg up.
2. It is my hope the coach will have recovered from his colour-blindness and she’ll be forced to tough it out with the rest of the blue jerseys.

Chapter 3

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 3
Friday November 27, 2009

Song of the week: Beat It by Michael Jackson

Pre-game
With BFF sick with “The Swine” this week I thought it was a good time to miss hockey and skip off to Halifax. But the old girl rallied and I’m forced back on the program. I went to 6am spin class. I have decided to do this because I have yet to get a cardio workout from holding onto the boards during practice. I’m also not sure where I am going to end up after hockey (translation – emergency room) so my goal is to get the early AM spin in and then the day can go to pot from there.

There are some things that have remained the same since last week and since I have yet to change them they will be a given. I will not bring them up again unless they change.

1. My gear remains in the trunk from week to week.

2. I have no jill. Until we get better and that area is threatened I have no need, taping the socks to my legs is doing the trick.

3. I am poorly skilled at this game and have refused, much to Andrew chagrin, to partake in the weekly skates available to me.

4. BFF would like to be referred to as Jacques Lemmaire on game day but I have decided I will from now on refer to her as the little Scottish terrier or the terrier (thanks Anne). It has a better ring to it.

When I told my family I was going to join this team they were happy for me once they stopped laughing. There was one thing my youngest and the only hockey player in the family told me I was not to do if I was going to play. DO NOT WEAR ANYTHING OR HAVE ANYTHING PINK!!!!! I heeded the warning, but I wasn’t that put out as pink is not in my colour wheel.

So my dilemma is this - A team mate has sourced out a sponsor for jerseys and matching socks in, you guessed it, PINK. There’s not much I can do. The little guy will have to come to terms with the reality his mother plays left bench and looks like a bottle of Pepto Bismol. I’ll help him find a good therapist when he gets older.

Post-game
This is the team’s 4th week at the game and my 3rd. It is amazing how we all seem to forget how to dress from week to week. Some girls are independent but some of us need serious help. One of us (the terrier) even needed the coach to tie her skates the first week because she put all her gear on and couldn’t bend over to reach the skates. She has also been wearing her jill backwards (Sorry I couldn’t resist, you’re better than me and competitive frustration will find an outlet).

Drills are getting better I think we are all getting a little more confident on our skates. We had a scrimmage to end practice. I think the terrier put a spell on coach because she somehow made it onto the red team with her blue jersey. Despite all her efforts we were still winning 5 to 2. However, at the end of the hour the coach yells “last goal wins!” The red team won.

“The Manager” thinks it would be a good idea for us to have team and individual pictures taken. I will refrain from giving my opinion on the subject but if anyone would like to have a copy of the terrier’s rookie card let me know I’m taking orders.

Thoughts:
1. It’s weird; I don’t seem to mind the smell of my gear anymore.
2. The little Scottish terrier got the winning goal for the Red team. In her blue jersey.

Chapter 2

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 2
Friday November 20, 2009
Song of the Week: Let me in Coach by CCR
Pre-game
As I prepare mentally for my second ice time in 30 years I am feeling very nervous, it’s a different nervousness than my initial go at hockey because now I fully appreciate how bad I am. I have also missed the team’s second practice due to my Costa Rican vacation last week. I have been told I missed how to skate corners by placing foot over foot. I thought briefly yesterday about taking in the free mom and tot skate at the local arena but dismissed it, not wanting to humiliate myself in front of a new batch of people. So I will reap what I sow and slog through as best I can.
I have decided to wear a jersey that does not have our family name on it as not to embarrass my son. I still do not have a jill so I have to tape my missed matched socks to my legs. I have cut off the excess plastic on my mouth guard so I don’t feel like I am having a filling at the dentist. Oh yah, I left my gear in the trunk of the car for the past two weeks, I wonder if that was such a good idea. I hope the player to be named later is as bad as I am.
Post-game
Athleticism has no bearing on whether you will be a competent hockey player; it means you won’t collapse of heart failure. As expected missing a week has weakened my performance. I have a feeling the coach has decided there is no hope for me and has left me to the wolves, spending all his time with the more talented beautiful Rooothesaaay mothers who have matching outfits.
During skills we learned to do hour glasses and T-pushes. We tried our best at shooting into an empty net. We ended the hour with a pickup game. Red jersey’s against every other colour. My BFF has a light blue jersey but tried to assimilate herself on the red team’s bench. She was quickly kicked out. The red team has all the talent, the multi colours are riff raff. We started off badly with a quick goal from the red team but we managed a respectable 2-1 loss when the last whistle blew.
I have taken the position of defence which seemed within my skill range and BFF opted for forward. This might not be where she ends up, I just sayin. At one point in the game a saw BFF’s pink stick but no BFF. I canvassed the ice and found her 10 feet away from her stick laying “corpse pose” in front our team’s bench. BFF and I ended the day with lunch.
Thoughts:
· I have a rash from son’s old gear.
· BFF is better than me. That will have to change.
· I think I’ll invest in a red jersey.

Chapter 1

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 1
Friday November 6, 2009
Song of the week: Beautiful Day by U2
Pre-game
Okay I have just finished taping my hockey stick, woody. I think I did a respectable job. If your wondering what I'm talking about well. I joined a ladies hockey team! Yes I know I haven't skated in 30 years and I've never skated on boys skates but these are minor details. I'm on the ice at noon. I'll let you know how it goes. BTW @#!@#$ is on the team; I'm wondering if I can accidently on purpose slam her into the boards? Tee Hee Hee
Post-game
I'm alive. No major bruises but I think I landed wrong the first time I went down and took the wind out of me. Second time I went down I did better. By the third fall I think I have the move down. Not a whole lots of laughs the first time out as we were all concentrating too much.

The team can be divided into three groups. 1 - Okay but not WNHL material. About 5 girls qualify. 2 - The middle ground, some skating skills no hockey experience, about 10-12 fall into this category. 3- Holy crap, they're gonna hurt themselves bunch, which is where I find myself. There are about 5 of us. It's rather humiliating and humbling because I am athletic but this is a whole other kettle of fish.

Thoughts:
My youngest is a great little hockey player, this is not easy.
The gear isn't as cumbersome as I thought it would be. It's actually nice to have when you’re hitting the ice.
The skates are great my feet don't hurt but I miss not having picks.
Mouth guards are hard to skate with.
My used gear STINKS!!!!
This was the first time a spent a whole hour at the RNS rink that I wasn't the least bit cold.
My BFF chickened out. She sends me in on recon and then comes in when the lay of the land has been studied.