Chapter 5

The Suburban House Wife Hockey Chronicles
Chapter 5
Friday December 11, 2009

Song of the week: Let Time Go Lightly by Harry Chapin

Pre-game
I’m back from my official duties in Toronto. Although I had a great time, the pearls are back in their case and I am ready to hit the ice (literally). Andrew, being the gentle and caring man that he is, brought my gear in from the car to warm up. Actually he needed the trunk space and his car was beginning to smell.

My gear did come in handy this week. When we got off the plane the car was covered in several inches of snow. Having no scraper we used Woody; my ten dollar ten pound wooden hockey stick. A door crasher special from Canadian Tire. This will likely be the most action the stick will see for the season.

Speaking of Woody, did you know if you are right handed and shoot right handed you have to hold the stick in your left hand? Do you know how hard it is to hold a ten pound hockey stick with a hand and arm that, for the last 20 years, has done nothing but hold a watch and a wedding band?

To make matters worse you just can’t let the stick rest in your hand; you’re expected to hold it at a 45 degree angle from your body and carry/push a puck along with you. It goes without saying the puck has a mind of its own and I can’t keep consistent form. I start with a perfect T-push, arm out and puck in tow. After two strides my wrist is sitting on my hip and the puck is silently mocking me 5 feet away. I don’t even bother to retrieve the puck because it is a whole other series of complex movements which I haven’t been taught.

We have a team name. We are called the “Pickless Chicks”. The team had several names to choose from this got the most votes. Personally, I think the “Ladies of Leisure” has a better ring to it. But as in life those who play left bench don’t get a vote.

Post-game:
The little Scottish terrier had a moment of terror this afternoon. Much to her surprise the red team kicked her off their bench because they had too many players. It appears some ladies have invested in red jerseys over the past few weeks. Un-amused to be getting the boot, she limped over to our team. After some confusion the red team took her back.

The terrier is improving and she knows it. Her sons fixed her helmet which was crushing her temples giving her a headache and making funny red welts on the side of her face. (tee hee) The changes seem to have made a world of difference. @#$%! *%$#! She’s doing fancy snowplough stops and using the boards to move the puck around. I think she’s taking private lessons in her spare time and not telling me.

The team has an hour of ice time. The hour can be divided into three parts. The first 10 minutes is taken up with the coach righting our locker room mistakes. The Terrier of course gets coach to tie her stakes. Some have mixed up their chin and face guard straps. Usually he tucks in my neck guard which is always hanging out and askew. From 12:10pm to 12:40pm we do drills and from 12:40pm to 1pm we scrimmage.

I use the word scrimmage lightly. We actually play something closer to amoeba hockey. The puck floats up and down the ice with 10 players following, hovering and jiggling over it without affecting it in any way. If someone does manage a break away the rest of us can only follow or fall depending on the direction we were facing seconds before.

We only have one goalie and some Fridays she is absent. You would think having no goalies would result in scrimmages with high scores. This is not the case with the Pickless Chicks. Our coach plays referee and net minder for both teams. So, without exaggerating, even in a breakaway scenario, the coach has enough time to skate from wherever he is on the ice to play goalie. I think you get the picture.

Some ladies are talking about organizing a scrimmage with the other local ladies team which has been playing together for 4 years. I think they’re out to lunch!

Thoughts:
1. I have to start getting to the rink 30 minutes before practice starts. I usually get there 15 to 20 minutes before, but it really does take me 30 minutes to put myself together. I suppose if I got the coach to tie my skates like someone else I know I could get there later too.
2. I am considering starting a left sided weight lifting regime to give me an advantage over the Terrier.
3. I think Woody is too short. Every time a go for the puck I miss it.